It has been so easy for me to blame you and hate you and less easy for me to thank you! You had tried for so long to make up for what you did and I so badly wanted you to suffer and all that was doing was making me suffer also because I needed you. And then I was angrier at you for not being around but when you tried I'd not let you. Continuing in this vicious circle of pain and revenge. You hurt me, you didn't mean to, it was not your intention, you were in a bad place and had to make a lot of hard choices and I didn't want to make it easier for you, I was mad and hurt and made things harder for both of us, I meant to hurt you, I wanted you to hurt as bad as I was, what I didn't realize is that your hurt was so much more than what I could see or understand, you were hurting enough already and I kept pushing. For that I am sorry! I am sorry that I am harder on you than either of my dads, they hurt me as well and for that I blamed you. I felt so alone and unwanted and although I knew I could run to you and you would be there I didn't want to give you that satisfaction. You made mistakes and for them I made you suffer more than you deserved. Now we have a relationship and I still hold onto all of the pain from the past, it's not easy to let go. You have changed but also have not but I had to make a choice to either accept you as is or not have you at all and I have missed having a mom. I know life wasn't easy for you. I know you were 16 when you had me and did the best that you could. You are now a huge part of my life and my children's lives and I can see how much you try and for that I thank you! I love you mom!
Sunday, July 20, 2014
mom
It has been so easy for me to blame you and hate you and less easy for me to thank you! You had tried for so long to make up for what you did and I so badly wanted you to suffer and all that was doing was making me suffer also because I needed you. And then I was angrier at you for not being around but when you tried I'd not let you. Continuing in this vicious circle of pain and revenge. You hurt me, you didn't mean to, it was not your intention, you were in a bad place and had to make a lot of hard choices and I didn't want to make it easier for you, I was mad and hurt and made things harder for both of us, I meant to hurt you, I wanted you to hurt as bad as I was, what I didn't realize is that your hurt was so much more than what I could see or understand, you were hurting enough already and I kept pushing. For that I am sorry! I am sorry that I am harder on you than either of my dads, they hurt me as well and for that I blamed you. I felt so alone and unwanted and although I knew I could run to you and you would be there I didn't want to give you that satisfaction. You made mistakes and for them I made you suffer more than you deserved. Now we have a relationship and I still hold onto all of the pain from the past, it's not easy to let go. You have changed but also have not but I had to make a choice to either accept you as is or not have you at all and I have missed having a mom. I know life wasn't easy for you. I know you were 16 when you had me and did the best that you could. You are now a huge part of my life and my children's lives and I can see how much you try and for that I thank you! I love you mom!
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Tree of life
TREE OF LIFE
Roots
my family
- my experiences
-the development of my values -the influences that shaped me
- my experiences
-the development of my values -the influences that shaped me
• Growing up, was interesting. My dad was an alcoholic, my mom was addicted to cokain. I was never allowed to speak of these things and many of the things which happened in our house, not even to my closest friends which were my cousins who lived right downstairs from us. There was a lot of fighting between my parents and not a lot of stability but there was a lot of fun and a lot of love. As they often do the bad times outweighed the good times. I can remember hiding under my bed in fear knowing my dad was drunk and my mom was mad. I can also remember spending every summer camping at different places. My dad was not perfect, he did a lot of things wrong, but he was my hero. He was always there for me. When he got out of line he would talk to me and explain things in ways I could understand where as my mom would ignore me and if I asked her questions about things going on she would get angry. I knew my dad drank but I did not know about my mom’s drug use. I often felt like my mom was jealous because my dad was so much fun and she always had to be the bad guy. One night my dad was drinking and brought me out in the car and he tied a sled to the bumper of the car and let me sit on the sled as he drove the car. I couldn’t understand why my mom was so mad I thought it was because she was missing all of the fun. Every Friday evening the family would get together ; aunts, uncles and cousins. The adults would play cards (and party) and us kids would play. It was the best childhood memories that I have! A lot of the time my dad would come scare us and play tricks on us. He was the only adult that really ever interacted with the kids during the Friday night card nights. Everyone always said my dad was a kid at heart and would never grow up. I put value early on in life to have consistency. My dad was consistent, my mom was not. One day jumping on the bed was the worst thing I could do and the next she would encourage it. By the time I was 5 I knew I wanted to be a mom. I loved taking care of the baby cousins.During the school years of my life I grew to trust more people and to feel a sense of security. I had some amazing teachers who taught me to use my imagination and the things I had been through to write stories which really helped me along the way especially during my teenage years. During my teenage years my roots came crashing from under me. My parents got divorced, a lot of ugly fighting and hurtful things done to each other and to me, until my mom lost her mind and ran away. That was one of the hardest days of my life. I had no idea where she was, if she was alive or why she didn’t want me. I felt so lost, abandoned and broken. During that time of grief my dad in a drunken rage told me that he was not my father and could no longer see me anymore. Through time I cam to realize that all of the cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents were also not related to me. My roots had been ripped out. As unsteady as they had been Id of taken them back in a second over not having any at all. I lost everything, including myself. My mom made contact and as hurt as I was I was thrilled to hear her voice, we talked and she admitted the whole biology thing and gave me my real dad’s name. She hung up explaining that I could not have her number to call her but that she would call again soon. Months went by, I had not heard from her. I ended up looking up my real dad and giving him a call. He was married and had 3 boys. A family. They invited me to visit and then to stay. As great as it was an instant family was hard. Having this family I should of had. I was having a hard time letting go of the hurt and confusion and made some bad choices. The new roots just were fitting where the old roots were supposed to be. I learned the biggest lesson of my life ; my past wasn’t going anywhere until I dealt with it. The emotions, the people, the confusion, the hurt, all of it. I had to make amenze with the people I hurt and get some closure from the rest, either by them no longer being a part of my life or continuing to be in my life or I would never be happy. I could not go on feeling like I hurt my dad that raised me and cared for me my whole life, I had to know where I stood with my mom, and all of my aunts, uncles and cousins, just because we were not blood did not mean we were not family. I had to find a way to intertwine my new roots with the old ones and rebuild some if necessary or take them out.
• To summarize I would say that my foundation was not sturdy, some good, some bad, not a solid foundation. I never knew what to expect. i learned that trust and love were conditional, I was constantly trying to impress my parents to get their love. There were so many lies and secrets that it was sometimes hard to tell what was real life which I believe was the start for my over active imagination, my determination and my desire to help others.Trunk
TRUNK
school
work
family
home
By fixing my roots I am able to have a stable trunk. It wasn’t easy and it took time, more time then took to break them. It took 10 years for me to have a relationship with my mom. My dad and I ha great relationship although he has cancer. My real dad and step mom and brothers and I talk quit often. With that being said non of the three sides can be anywhere near each other. They all live in different provinces.
The biggest part of my trunk is my family, Bryan and my 4 children. Bryan was my boyfriend bac I was a teenager and my roots got pulled out, but I moved away and left him behind. During the ti was making bad choices I got pregnant, got married thinking that was the best option as I did not my children in a broken home, even though the marriage was not a loving one I thought it better t than ever having to be away from my child. After the second baby was born it started to get ugly. I not happy, he was not happy and it was affecting the children. We decided to live apart. During that time, my dad (that raised me) called and said he had cancer. I knew I had to go back home. I wanted him to meet my children. I needed to have that closure with him and mutual forgiveness. The kids dad said he would come with us as he did not want to be that far from the kids. He came but made my life so hard, fighting with me while I was already emotional and trying to deal with a lot of past and present hurt and then he decided to leave. He walked out and went back to his home. Had nothing more to do with the kids. I went out one day, crying because I had no where to live, no money. 2 children and I was loosing my dad. There was Bryan. He was also newly out of a long term relationship but with no kids. We became a family. He has raised my two boys as his own and together we have 2 girls. Funny how things turn out. My job is also a big chunk of my trunk. I run a day home, it is something I have always wanted to although I wanted my own center for now this is close enough. I have been able to help people going through hard times. I started off taking care of children, especially the ones no one else wanted to for, the hard children, the ones who've had hard times, and I quickly evolved to helping the parent well instead of waiting to help heal a hurt child I am trying to help parents not to hurt them. Giving them options that they might not have known they have. It’s challenging but rewarding!
Leaves
Leaves
meaningful information
I learn in many different ways, mainly by experience. I hold on to memories that have affected me both positively and negatively. I enjoy reading and writing but am more of a hands on learner. I am always thinking, I may often look like I am staring off into space but there is always something running through my mind at all times. I hourly enjoy thinking. I try to analyse the whys of everything which often bothers Bryan because as he says sometimes there is no reason.
Fruits
achievements
My biggest achievements would be my children. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, I knew I would be good at it but I didn’t know how hard it would be and how much I would overcome to be the mom I am.
Graduating high school with all of the challenges I faced.Running a licensed, accredited family day home.
I am so proud of myself for going back to finish school. I wasn't able to after high school, I was accepted but had no parents to sign for me, and I tried once more but my dad needed me to come back home so I wasn’t able to. Now with 4 children and a day home I am doing it. it!
Making my life my own, not letting what happened to me define who I turned out to be and ending the circle of abuse and addictions that I had come from.
Being happy! It sounds small but there was a time that happy was someone else’s story.
Graduating high school with all of the challenges I faced.Running a licensed, accredited family day home.
I am so proud of myself for going back to finish school. I wasn't able to after high school, I was accepted but had no parents to sign for me, and I tried once more but my dad needed me to come back home so I wasn’t able to. Now with 4 children and a day home I am doing it. it!
Making my life my own, not letting what happened to me define who I turned out to be and ending the circle of abuse and addictions that I had come from.
Being happy! It sounds small but there was a time that happy was someone else’s story.
Buds
My future
My future
There was a time where the reality of having a future was slim. Where my life came from and where I was headed my life was basically over. I had even given up on life completely. I did not want to live if living hurt so badly. It wasn’t until I saw that positive on the pregnancy stick that I wanted to live and wanted to live a good life. My child deserved the best and I was willing to do whatever it took for my child to have a great life. I started taking care of myself and the more I did the more I wanted to, it started out as being because I had to for my child and eventually became because I deserved it too.
My goals are to eventually become a foster mom. I want to make an unloved child feel loved and give them at chance at life that they may not have had. I want to run a centre that specializes in children with special needs.
I hope my children and I always have a close relationship. I hope they always know how much they mean to me. I hope one day Bryan and I can get married. Im pushing it here but if we do I hope all of our family can be there with us.
My goals are to eventually become a foster mom. I want to make an unloved child feel loved and give them at chance at life that they may not have had. I want to run a centre that specializes in children with special needs.
I hope my children and I always have a close relationship. I hope they always know how much they mean to me. I hope one day Bryan and I can get married. Im pushing it here but if we do I hope all of our family can be there with us.
Tree of Life
Conclusion
The reason I chose this tree is because you can see the roots, some broken and pulled out yet still a healthy strong tree grows from them. Never give up, no matter what the beginning of your story, no matter how hard the middle gets, keep going, happy endings are possible! In my tree my roots had been ripped out, branches and leaves had broken off or not grown at all, fruits and buds were not possible, but with a lot of work, my tree is still growing strong. I had given up, was ready to cut my tree down and am so glad now that I didn’t as my tree is even better then the one I used to wish for. As rough as my roots were they are an important part of my tree. I would not be who I am today without them, although the roots aren’t as important as the rest of the tree, the parts of the tree that I chose! I got to choose how I let my roots affect my trunk, the leaves and my buds and fruit.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
College
From the time I got into high school I had dreamt of attending Vanier college in the Early Childhood Education program! I knew I wanted to work with kids and be a mom!
My last year of high school was a tough one! I was basically on my own! I was babysitting at 2.50 an hour to pay for my uniform and books and grad expenses.
I got the letter in the mail saying I was accepted into Vanier into the Early Childhood Education program! My dreams had come true! I had worked so hard to make it and I did!
My next letter from the college was for applying for funds, good thing because 2.50 an hour was not enough to cover college expenses. Well I filled all of the papers but at the end you needed a parent to sign. That is the one thing I did not have! A parent! My dad was legally not my dad and could not sign the papers, my mom had run away not knowing where she was and not being in the same province made it impossible to get the papers signed. I went in and spoke with the college administrators who were sympathetic to my circumstances but could not help. They kept transferring me to different places that might just be able to help. Going over my story over and over just to be told I am very sorry for what you have been through but we can't help you, over and over! I was heart broken! All of that hard work! My dreams coming true and get crushed all at the same time! I think I would of fathered just not have gotten in! I was devastated.
My aunt who I was living with was getting married and constantly struggling to pay for things and had an extra teenager in the house that she did not get money for was a huge stress on her. I had to get out of there before I took her down too!
I had talked with my biological dad and his wife and they offered for me to go there and do my college 3 provinces away from where I lived. I had to choose having no where to live, no college but being with Bryan and my friends and family and life that I knew, as crappy as it was I knew what to expect where as this was going to be all new and unknown and alone. I had only met this family one time before for a week total. A few letters and phone calls but to live with them, it was such a hard decision but really in the end I had no choice! I had to go! I left my life behind and Bryan! Again so heartbroken!
I applied for college in this new place for the same program and I was accepted! I was still feeling down! I loved my new family and getting to know them and the place was so beautiful, nothing like where I had come from! People were so friendly! But it was hard to accept as I missed everything from home! I was trying to put on a smile and go with it but inside I was dying, slowly, everyday! I still couldn't understand why my mom didn't want me, and I missed my sister so very much and my dad! I felt like I was cheating on him. I know it hurt him when I left and I couldn't forgive myself for that!
I was doing great in college! A and A+ fairly consistently, then in one of my classes the assignment was a family tree. I broke down completely. How could I make a family tree without my dad? And if he is not on it neither are my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so embarrassed to cry in class! As I wrote my moms name it hit me that I didn't even know where she was or how to get ahold of her. I knew what province she was staying in but not her phone number. What if I got hit by a car and died? She would never know. I just couldn't get it together. I felt like I was failing at this family too cuz I was keeping them at a distance because I was so afraid if I wasn't perfect they'd leave me too! If they really knew me they'd also not want me! The teacher heard my story, well part of it and told me not to worry too much about it and just make up a fake family! I kept that fake family tree for years. Looking to it whenever I needed to feel some family love! My fake family was perfect! They loved me! It also made me feel partially crazy but good at the same time!
Well near the end of the first year things got too much for me. My dad from back home was calling all the time he needed my help! He was going to jail if I didn't get there and tell the truth about some of the things that went on. My mom was saying that he sent us death threats. And with the other charges she put against him, he was facing jail time. He already had a record and it didn't look good for him and I had to help him.
And to top it off my mom had called and needed me to come out to where she was to take care of my sister. So I took time off and went back to home to help my dad and then back across the country to help my mom. I felt needed and loved by the very people I was longing to feel that way from! But I was used! My mom left me with my sister and didn't come back. It was supposed to be a week but a week went by and she didn't come back. I was worried that she had died! I was embarrassed to ask for help as everyone warned me not to go and not to trust her but I did anyway. I had to. After a month she came back and was not letting me leave. Locking me in the room. We fought to out real hard. Finally she took me to the airport. At the airport my sister would not let me go. She was begging the lady to let her on the plane. The lady said no. She cried and cried and held onto me so tight. I felt horrible for leaving her! I should have stayed and took care of her. I felt so selfish! She had been my whole world! She was hurting so bad. She ended up running past security onto the plane and they had to drag her off. She was 5. It was devastating!
I went back to college but my mind just wasn't there! I had missed a lot of classes and my marks were slipping and I was just a mess inside and out! Everything I was learning about childcare and I had just abandoned my own sister! I literally cracked under pressure!
I could not handle my life!
Now 11 years later (and many events) I am running a dayhome out of my house and decided now is a great time to finish my Early Childhood education program! Well if it had been only 10 years I could have started right where I left off but 11 years I have to start over! Oh well, thats a small price to pay to finally live out my dreams! I am doing it! My marks aren't where I think they should be as I know the information, I got A's the first time around, the information hasn't changed much and I have used my childcare knowledge throughout the 11 years, being a mom, working in the schools and various daycares. But I just don't have the time to sit and focus. 11 years ago I took the courses in the college which you get time in a class with a teacher, now I am doing it online at home in between my job and my 4 kids and getting supper and cleaning, and helping with homework and homeschooling my daughter. But I am doing it and passing and I will make it through!
My last year of high school was a tough one! I was basically on my own! I was babysitting at 2.50 an hour to pay for my uniform and books and grad expenses.
I got the letter in the mail saying I was accepted into Vanier into the Early Childhood Education program! My dreams had come true! I had worked so hard to make it and I did!
My next letter from the college was for applying for funds, good thing because 2.50 an hour was not enough to cover college expenses. Well I filled all of the papers but at the end you needed a parent to sign. That is the one thing I did not have! A parent! My dad was legally not my dad and could not sign the papers, my mom had run away not knowing where she was and not being in the same province made it impossible to get the papers signed. I went in and spoke with the college administrators who were sympathetic to my circumstances but could not help. They kept transferring me to different places that might just be able to help. Going over my story over and over just to be told I am very sorry for what you have been through but we can't help you, over and over! I was heart broken! All of that hard work! My dreams coming true and get crushed all at the same time! I think I would of fathered just not have gotten in! I was devastated.
My aunt who I was living with was getting married and constantly struggling to pay for things and had an extra teenager in the house that she did not get money for was a huge stress on her. I had to get out of there before I took her down too!
I had talked with my biological dad and his wife and they offered for me to go there and do my college 3 provinces away from where I lived. I had to choose having no where to live, no college but being with Bryan and my friends and family and life that I knew, as crappy as it was I knew what to expect where as this was going to be all new and unknown and alone. I had only met this family one time before for a week total. A few letters and phone calls but to live with them, it was such a hard decision but really in the end I had no choice! I had to go! I left my life behind and Bryan! Again so heartbroken!
I applied for college in this new place for the same program and I was accepted! I was still feeling down! I loved my new family and getting to know them and the place was so beautiful, nothing like where I had come from! People were so friendly! But it was hard to accept as I missed everything from home! I was trying to put on a smile and go with it but inside I was dying, slowly, everyday! I still couldn't understand why my mom didn't want me, and I missed my sister so very much and my dad! I felt like I was cheating on him. I know it hurt him when I left and I couldn't forgive myself for that!
I was doing great in college! A and A+ fairly consistently, then in one of my classes the assignment was a family tree. I broke down completely. How could I make a family tree without my dad? And if he is not on it neither are my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so embarrassed to cry in class! As I wrote my moms name it hit me that I didn't even know where she was or how to get ahold of her. I knew what province she was staying in but not her phone number. What if I got hit by a car and died? She would never know. I just couldn't get it together. I felt like I was failing at this family too cuz I was keeping them at a distance because I was so afraid if I wasn't perfect they'd leave me too! If they really knew me they'd also not want me! The teacher heard my story, well part of it and told me not to worry too much about it and just make up a fake family! I kept that fake family tree for years. Looking to it whenever I needed to feel some family love! My fake family was perfect! They loved me! It also made me feel partially crazy but good at the same time!
Well near the end of the first year things got too much for me. My dad from back home was calling all the time he needed my help! He was going to jail if I didn't get there and tell the truth about some of the things that went on. My mom was saying that he sent us death threats. And with the other charges she put against him, he was facing jail time. He already had a record and it didn't look good for him and I had to help him.
And to top it off my mom had called and needed me to come out to where she was to take care of my sister. So I took time off and went back to home to help my dad and then back across the country to help my mom. I felt needed and loved by the very people I was longing to feel that way from! But I was used! My mom left me with my sister and didn't come back. It was supposed to be a week but a week went by and she didn't come back. I was worried that she had died! I was embarrassed to ask for help as everyone warned me not to go and not to trust her but I did anyway. I had to. After a month she came back and was not letting me leave. Locking me in the room. We fought to out real hard. Finally she took me to the airport. At the airport my sister would not let me go. She was begging the lady to let her on the plane. The lady said no. She cried and cried and held onto me so tight. I felt horrible for leaving her! I should have stayed and took care of her. I felt so selfish! She had been my whole world! She was hurting so bad. She ended up running past security onto the plane and they had to drag her off. She was 5. It was devastating!
I went back to college but my mind just wasn't there! I had missed a lot of classes and my marks were slipping and I was just a mess inside and out! Everything I was learning about childcare and I had just abandoned my own sister! I literally cracked under pressure!
I could not handle my life!
Now 11 years later (and many events) I am running a dayhome out of my house and decided now is a great time to finish my Early Childhood education program! Well if it had been only 10 years I could have started right where I left off but 11 years I have to start over! Oh well, thats a small price to pay to finally live out my dreams! I am doing it! My marks aren't where I think they should be as I know the information, I got A's the first time around, the information hasn't changed much and I have used my childcare knowledge throughout the 11 years, being a mom, working in the schools and various daycares. But I just don't have the time to sit and focus. 11 years ago I took the courses in the college which you get time in a class with a teacher, now I am doing it online at home in between my job and my 4 kids and getting supper and cleaning, and helping with homework and homeschooling my daughter. But I am doing it and passing and I will make it through!
Monday, April 2, 2012
From bad to worse
THe next few years were such a mess! My dad was drinking from morning till night, he'd have a beer under his bed so he could drink it as soon as he opened his eyes. He wanted to be numb and not feel the pain. My mom was had another man move in weeks after my dad being out. It was not the same man my dad had accused her of cheating with but a new man. A man I had never met before and he was living with us. Making demands and my baby sister was calling him dada. Words can not describe how much I hated the entire situation!
I was visiting with my dad and sometimes it was wonderful, we'd talk and laugh and sometimes it was awful, he'd cry the whole time about how my mom left him and then there were the times that I don't like to think about. He was so mean and would call me names and kick me out or chase me out. Sometimes he was so drunk he would just keep falling over. I never knew what side I was going to get but ALWAYS took the chance for the wonderful times!
And then Id go back home and get in trouble for going to see my dad at all. My mom's new boyfriend hated that I went to see my dad. My mom told him that my dad beat her so he would tell me that I was betraying my mom for going to see my dad and that everytine I went to see my dad he found out where we lived and we had to move again. I was allowed to see my dad but in no way was I to bring the baby.
One night my mom's boyfriend was giving her a hard time about the way she raised me and how disrepectful I was to her and that it was time to start putting her foot down with me before it was too late. I overheard and told him that if he had a problem with me to tell me and stop talking about me like I wasnt there. My mom flipped out and started hitting me. I tried to push her back to stop and she just grabbed me and threw me into the wall. I was so scared! I curled into a ball and cried. Her and her boyfriend ended up leaving. Shortly after they left I took my sister and went to my dads house. I was going to ask him if I could live with him instead. I was sure he'd be happy about it. Well I got there and it was a bad day. He didn't even know who I was. I had to keep telling him it was me, his daughter. He was so out of it. He looked right at me and said you are not my daughter I have no children. It felt as if something stabbed me. I felt sharp pains throughout my body. I went back to my moms house and no one was back yet. It was nearing bedtime and still no sign of them. The entire weekend had passed. Part of me was relived that I did not have to deal with her but part of me felt I needed her to comfort me, from what she had done to me and from what my dad had said. But again, I was alone, with no one but my sister. I layed in bed and cried and she would rub my head and say "ok sasa, ok".
My mom came home and acted like nothing happened, no explanation for dissapearing for the weekend and no appology for hurtung me. I told her what happened with my dad and she very blaintly said "well that is because he is not your father", "your father lives in Winnipeg but was only 15 and wasnt ready to have a child, I met your dad when I was pregnant and he raised you until now". Wait... what? I don't understand! So my entire life has been a lie! Who I am has been a lie! My last name, a lie! My identity was fake! I was so mad, so hurt and so confused! I started to think everyone had a part in the lie and became even more distant. I didnt trust or beleive anyone! I started to realise that if my dad wasn't my dad, then my grand-parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, not really familly at all. How could they all lie to me? I started to think everyone was behind it, everyone knew and I was just the punch line to some joke. Nothing was real!
I wasn't quite ready to deal with the situation and had very few answers. My mom asked if I wanted to talk to my real dad. I said no not yet, if he didnt want me then, he might not want me now and I wasnt ready to face even more rejection, not sure I would of been able to handle it. Wait, what? You had his info all of this time and just now decide to let me know, why? Why now? Because she was trying to place a wedge between me and my dad and I was not going to let that happen. He was the dad I knew, and the only dad I wanted. She didnt listen and when I had got hom from school put me on the phone with him. It was so awkward, I didn't know what to say. But he seemed to want to get to know me and had a familly, a wife and 3 sons. I had 3 brothers! I was even more confused, the more I wanted to get to know them the guiltier I felt about it. As if getting to know them would make me less a part of my dads family.
Things were getting really ugly, the police were always at our house. My dad was calling and making threats, my mom was using the fact that my dad fathered a child with another woman as grounds for divorce which hurt my dad because he lied about it to get her a baby and she used it against him to leave him as if it had all been a big master plan.My mom brought a poem and letterd that I had wrote to my dad to use in court against him, private letters that I had wrote out of pain and confusion, letters no one was supposed to see. I had to sit in the courtroom looking at my dads face as the lawyer read out my private thoughts and I could actually see my dads heart braking. It was my turn on the tand. I said I didnt want to. My moms lawyer said Id go to jail if I didnt and if I lied. I got up, my eyes were locked on the pain in my dads eyes, how could I say anything about him while he is sitting right there? But my moms lawyers just drilled me, asking only awful things about my dad, yes he had done those things but I was not going to say it, what about all of the things my mom had done? THat side was never going to be told because only I knew about it but the lawyer would not let me get a word in, just drilling me and trying to make me talk against my dad. I was crying so hard the words comming out of my mouth were not understandable. The lawyer was getting aggitated with me and yelling. The judge stopped the entire thing and took me into the back room. Asked me a few things and I told her that I was not going to talk about the situation, that both of my parents did a lot of bad things and if I was going to talk it would be the entire truth not just half of the story but that I would not do it on a stand in fromt of them because I will have to go home with them. She said I shouldnt even have been in the court room listening to all of the garbage nevermind being made to be a part of it.
Things were just getting worse and worse, my mom was so mad at me for always being against her. She was rarely home. I brought my sister to daycare in the morning and picked her up after school and we were pretty much on our own. I potty trained her and got her from bottle to cup and muchy for to real food. I took her everywhere with me. If I went out I brought her along, whether my mom was home or not. My friends just got used to the fact that I came with a baby. Most people liked it and played with her and it was a lot of fun playing with a baby and teaching her bad words and dressing her the way we dressed (keep in mind we were teenagers).
My mom told me that there was a restraining order on my dad and if I went to see him he would go to jail. I found out later that it was not true. My dad would call and ask me to come visit and I would say no cuz I didnt want him to go to jail and he didnt understand and thought I hated him so things between me and him got really messed up. He thought I beleived the things my mom was saying about him and hated him for it and felt so betrayed and I thought I was protecting him from getting sent to jail. One night he called and begged me to come over. I said I couldnt and he said well I just wanted to say goodbye face to face but I guess over the phone will have to do. He went on to say how much he loved me and not to cry for him and that he was sorry and well it sounded like I was never going to see him again. I kept trying to reasure him that mom would calm down soon and Id be able to se ehm again. HE hung up, he was crying. I had to see him. SOmething didnt seem right. I got to his house and there was pieces of ceiling all over the floor. There was a belt and a rope and blood, lots of blood. My dad was laying there in the floor, not moving. He died thinking I didnt love him. Wait, he is still breathing. I called 911 and ran, I did not want the police to get there and see that I was there and arrest my dad for breaking the restraining order. I had no idea if he was ok or not. I tried calling his house but his number had been disconected. I needed to know he was ok. I went back to his house. He was sitting on his chair in the kitchen. I ran to him and tried to hug him, he grabbed a knife and chased me out of the house saying how I ruined everything and that because of me he had so much pain that he had to live with and he NEVER wanted to see me again.
A month had passed and I had no contact with my dad at all. I thought about him all of the time. THe image of him lying there was permenently sketched in my head.
I was so nervous all of the time. Every noise made me jump. For 1 because my mom had gotten quite violent with me and for 2 because of everything that had gone on with my dad. THe phone started to ring, I was just going to ket it go to voicemail because I didnt want to talk to anyone. I wondered if it was going to be my dad and I wasnt sure I wanted to hear from him although I did want to know he was ok. THe answering machine answered and sure enough it was my dad. THis was the message he left "hey you little bitch answer your phone". THe phone rang again, I did not answer, just waited for the machine to get it. Message after message, meaner and more vulgar than the last. The last one is one I will never forget, the anger in his voice, the words will haunt me forever "Hey you little slut, you must be too busy sucking cock with your mother to answer your fucking phone, it's ok daughter dear, I know where you live, I know what school you go to, I will get you!". I called the police and they made a big joke of it, they said that it technically wasnt considered a threat because he could of meant anything, maybe he meant get you a bag of chips. It was the same policeman who came to our house a few times now. I asked him if I called the police station right now and said the same words that I would be arrested on the spot, he said ya of course you cant threaten police officers. A few months prior a man came in and killed his ex wife and kids, so I used that situation and said I wonder how many times they called you asking for help and you said the same things. He told me I was an unruly teeanager and probably the cause of my parents divorcing in the first place. My mom played on it saying how much harder I have made it on her and how I keep egging my dad on telling him about her new boyfriend and giving him our address and phone number and that I just like all of the drama and attention it brings. So it was all my fault.
Me and my mom had gotten into a big fight, she told me to leave and not come home. She said she was starting a new life and I was in the way. I knew it was because her boyfriend didnt like me. BUt she picked him over me. So fine. I was leaving, not completely sure of where to go, I knealed down to kiss my sister and tell her I loved her and would come back for her as soon as I could my mom saw me knelt down and kicked me in the side of the head. SHe told me not to upset the baby. I ran to go out the door and she pushed me down the stairs. I went to the riverside, I was sitting there throwing rocks into the water trying to come up with a plan. I didn't want any of my friends to know how bad things really were so I couldnt go to their houses, I couldnt go to my dad's. I was alone! I just sat there feeling sorry for myself. I satrted to vision my sister crying for me and my mom or her boyfriend hurting her. My moms boyfriend had smacked her a few times already and without me there to protect her who knows what they would do. I went to the police. I told them that my mom hurts me and that her boyfriend hurts the baby. It was hard to do but I had to! The secretary lady seemed to care, I showed her my bruises and the bump on my head. She put me through to an officer, noooooo it was him. He pulled me asside by my arm real tight and told me to knock it off. He told me he could not take anything I said seriously because I was just a teenager. No report was ever filed and he shoved me into his cop car and dragged me home to my mom and told her what I had said. She put on this show of how she begged me not to leave and didnt know what to do with me anymore. And as soon as the door closed behind the officer I got it.
I learned to live in the lies, I learned that asking for help was a big risk of not being beleived and having it get back to my mom. I had to deal with her to protect my sister, it was the only way. No one was going to help us, it was up to me.
I was visiting with my dad and sometimes it was wonderful, we'd talk and laugh and sometimes it was awful, he'd cry the whole time about how my mom left him and then there were the times that I don't like to think about. He was so mean and would call me names and kick me out or chase me out. Sometimes he was so drunk he would just keep falling over. I never knew what side I was going to get but ALWAYS took the chance for the wonderful times!
And then Id go back home and get in trouble for going to see my dad at all. My mom's new boyfriend hated that I went to see my dad. My mom told him that my dad beat her so he would tell me that I was betraying my mom for going to see my dad and that everytine I went to see my dad he found out where we lived and we had to move again. I was allowed to see my dad but in no way was I to bring the baby.
One night my mom's boyfriend was giving her a hard time about the way she raised me and how disrepectful I was to her and that it was time to start putting her foot down with me before it was too late. I overheard and told him that if he had a problem with me to tell me and stop talking about me like I wasnt there. My mom flipped out and started hitting me. I tried to push her back to stop and she just grabbed me and threw me into the wall. I was so scared! I curled into a ball and cried. Her and her boyfriend ended up leaving. Shortly after they left I took my sister and went to my dads house. I was going to ask him if I could live with him instead. I was sure he'd be happy about it. Well I got there and it was a bad day. He didn't even know who I was. I had to keep telling him it was me, his daughter. He was so out of it. He looked right at me and said you are not my daughter I have no children. It felt as if something stabbed me. I felt sharp pains throughout my body. I went back to my moms house and no one was back yet. It was nearing bedtime and still no sign of them. The entire weekend had passed. Part of me was relived that I did not have to deal with her but part of me felt I needed her to comfort me, from what she had done to me and from what my dad had said. But again, I was alone, with no one but my sister. I layed in bed and cried and she would rub my head and say "ok sasa, ok".
My mom came home and acted like nothing happened, no explanation for dissapearing for the weekend and no appology for hurtung me. I told her what happened with my dad and she very blaintly said "well that is because he is not your father", "your father lives in Winnipeg but was only 15 and wasnt ready to have a child, I met your dad when I was pregnant and he raised you until now". Wait... what? I don't understand! So my entire life has been a lie! Who I am has been a lie! My last name, a lie! My identity was fake! I was so mad, so hurt and so confused! I started to think everyone had a part in the lie and became even more distant. I didnt trust or beleive anyone! I started to realise that if my dad wasn't my dad, then my grand-parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, not really familly at all. How could they all lie to me? I started to think everyone was behind it, everyone knew and I was just the punch line to some joke. Nothing was real!
I wasn't quite ready to deal with the situation and had very few answers. My mom asked if I wanted to talk to my real dad. I said no not yet, if he didnt want me then, he might not want me now and I wasnt ready to face even more rejection, not sure I would of been able to handle it. Wait, what? You had his info all of this time and just now decide to let me know, why? Why now? Because she was trying to place a wedge between me and my dad and I was not going to let that happen. He was the dad I knew, and the only dad I wanted. She didnt listen and when I had got hom from school put me on the phone with him. It was so awkward, I didn't know what to say. But he seemed to want to get to know me and had a familly, a wife and 3 sons. I had 3 brothers! I was even more confused, the more I wanted to get to know them the guiltier I felt about it. As if getting to know them would make me less a part of my dads family.
Things were getting really ugly, the police were always at our house. My dad was calling and making threats, my mom was using the fact that my dad fathered a child with another woman as grounds for divorce which hurt my dad because he lied about it to get her a baby and she used it against him to leave him as if it had all been a big master plan.My mom brought a poem and letterd that I had wrote to my dad to use in court against him, private letters that I had wrote out of pain and confusion, letters no one was supposed to see. I had to sit in the courtroom looking at my dads face as the lawyer read out my private thoughts and I could actually see my dads heart braking. It was my turn on the tand. I said I didnt want to. My moms lawyer said Id go to jail if I didnt and if I lied. I got up, my eyes were locked on the pain in my dads eyes, how could I say anything about him while he is sitting right there? But my moms lawyers just drilled me, asking only awful things about my dad, yes he had done those things but I was not going to say it, what about all of the things my mom had done? THat side was never going to be told because only I knew about it but the lawyer would not let me get a word in, just drilling me and trying to make me talk against my dad. I was crying so hard the words comming out of my mouth were not understandable. The lawyer was getting aggitated with me and yelling. The judge stopped the entire thing and took me into the back room. Asked me a few things and I told her that I was not going to talk about the situation, that both of my parents did a lot of bad things and if I was going to talk it would be the entire truth not just half of the story but that I would not do it on a stand in fromt of them because I will have to go home with them. She said I shouldnt even have been in the court room listening to all of the garbage nevermind being made to be a part of it.
Things were just getting worse and worse, my mom was so mad at me for always being against her. She was rarely home. I brought my sister to daycare in the morning and picked her up after school and we were pretty much on our own. I potty trained her and got her from bottle to cup and muchy for to real food. I took her everywhere with me. If I went out I brought her along, whether my mom was home or not. My friends just got used to the fact that I came with a baby. Most people liked it and played with her and it was a lot of fun playing with a baby and teaching her bad words and dressing her the way we dressed (keep in mind we were teenagers).
My mom told me that there was a restraining order on my dad and if I went to see him he would go to jail. I found out later that it was not true. My dad would call and ask me to come visit and I would say no cuz I didnt want him to go to jail and he didnt understand and thought I hated him so things between me and him got really messed up. He thought I beleived the things my mom was saying about him and hated him for it and felt so betrayed and I thought I was protecting him from getting sent to jail. One night he called and begged me to come over. I said I couldnt and he said well I just wanted to say goodbye face to face but I guess over the phone will have to do. He went on to say how much he loved me and not to cry for him and that he was sorry and well it sounded like I was never going to see him again. I kept trying to reasure him that mom would calm down soon and Id be able to se ehm again. HE hung up, he was crying. I had to see him. SOmething didnt seem right. I got to his house and there was pieces of ceiling all over the floor. There was a belt and a rope and blood, lots of blood. My dad was laying there in the floor, not moving. He died thinking I didnt love him. Wait, he is still breathing. I called 911 and ran, I did not want the police to get there and see that I was there and arrest my dad for breaking the restraining order. I had no idea if he was ok or not. I tried calling his house but his number had been disconected. I needed to know he was ok. I went back to his house. He was sitting on his chair in the kitchen. I ran to him and tried to hug him, he grabbed a knife and chased me out of the house saying how I ruined everything and that because of me he had so much pain that he had to live with and he NEVER wanted to see me again.
A month had passed and I had no contact with my dad at all. I thought about him all of the time. THe image of him lying there was permenently sketched in my head.
I was so nervous all of the time. Every noise made me jump. For 1 because my mom had gotten quite violent with me and for 2 because of everything that had gone on with my dad. THe phone started to ring, I was just going to ket it go to voicemail because I didnt want to talk to anyone. I wondered if it was going to be my dad and I wasnt sure I wanted to hear from him although I did want to know he was ok. THe answering machine answered and sure enough it was my dad. THis was the message he left "hey you little bitch answer your phone". THe phone rang again, I did not answer, just waited for the machine to get it. Message after message, meaner and more vulgar than the last. The last one is one I will never forget, the anger in his voice, the words will haunt me forever "Hey you little slut, you must be too busy sucking cock with your mother to answer your fucking phone, it's ok daughter dear, I know where you live, I know what school you go to, I will get you!". I called the police and they made a big joke of it, they said that it technically wasnt considered a threat because he could of meant anything, maybe he meant get you a bag of chips. It was the same policeman who came to our house a few times now. I asked him if I called the police station right now and said the same words that I would be arrested on the spot, he said ya of course you cant threaten police officers. A few months prior a man came in and killed his ex wife and kids, so I used that situation and said I wonder how many times they called you asking for help and you said the same things. He told me I was an unruly teeanager and probably the cause of my parents divorcing in the first place. My mom played on it saying how much harder I have made it on her and how I keep egging my dad on telling him about her new boyfriend and giving him our address and phone number and that I just like all of the drama and attention it brings. So it was all my fault.
Me and my mom had gotten into a big fight, she told me to leave and not come home. She said she was starting a new life and I was in the way. I knew it was because her boyfriend didnt like me. BUt she picked him over me. So fine. I was leaving, not completely sure of where to go, I knealed down to kiss my sister and tell her I loved her and would come back for her as soon as I could my mom saw me knelt down and kicked me in the side of the head. SHe told me not to upset the baby. I ran to go out the door and she pushed me down the stairs. I went to the riverside, I was sitting there throwing rocks into the water trying to come up with a plan. I didn't want any of my friends to know how bad things really were so I couldnt go to their houses, I couldnt go to my dad's. I was alone! I just sat there feeling sorry for myself. I satrted to vision my sister crying for me and my mom or her boyfriend hurting her. My moms boyfriend had smacked her a few times already and without me there to protect her who knows what they would do. I went to the police. I told them that my mom hurts me and that her boyfriend hurts the baby. It was hard to do but I had to! The secretary lady seemed to care, I showed her my bruises and the bump on my head. She put me through to an officer, noooooo it was him. He pulled me asside by my arm real tight and told me to knock it off. He told me he could not take anything I said seriously because I was just a teenager. No report was ever filed and he shoved me into his cop car and dragged me home to my mom and told her what I had said. She put on this show of how she begged me not to leave and didnt know what to do with me anymore. And as soon as the door closed behind the officer I got it.
I learned to live in the lies, I learned that asking for help was a big risk of not being beleived and having it get back to my mom. I had to deal with her to protect my sister, it was the only way. No one was going to help us, it was up to me.
The day that changed everything
Jan. 15, 14 days before my 15th birthday~
As I walked in the door from school I could feel the tension in the house. Something was wrong, very wrong! As soon as I walked in the door my mom in a very stern voice said "Sarah sit". I said "I am just gonna" and she said "sit!". I did not know what she was going to say but I could feel that I didn't want to. I sat down and she started to explain that my dad was going to move out and that she didnt know if it was going to be for a week, a month or forever but that they needed a break. HA I knew that couldnt be it. She was definitly joking. I just sat there and kept telling her to tell me the truth what was really going on. She had such a straight face no emotions. Then I saw my dad walking up from the basement, tears pouring down his face. He had a suitcase in his hands. He looked devistated. He kept saying he wanted answers. After 14 years of being together how could she just stop loving him. He did not realise I was already home. He tried to wipe his tears but as soon as he saw the look on my face after seeing his face he just completely broke down. He kneeled to my feet and cried. Trying to tell me that things were going to be ok and that he loved me no matter what and that he was sorry. I ran to my room. I was there about an hour just listening to the fighting. My dad was begging my mom not to do it, my mom was so calm through it all. She just kept saying she was done with this life.
I was upset but I knew in my heart that this would pass over.
My mom just stayed at the kitchen table. She never talked to me aout it at all, never an explination, she never even told me what the plan was, so really it couldnt be true. I beleived that she was just doing all of this to scare my dad and hurt him. Thats usually how their fights went. Shed over react, hed appologige and itd all be fixed again until the next time. If she really was serious then shed of come to tell me what was going to happen next and she didnt so it was all a bog joke.
My dad came into my room and sat on my bed. He asked me how I was holding up. I told him that I was confused and not to worry because mom was just being crazy and trying to hurt him. HE told me not to talk bad about my mom and that he woudl do his best to make things right. He sang me the song my girl and we danced in my room and cried and he just kept telling me not to forget how much he loved me.
He left that evening, and came back a few hours later and my mom wouldnt let him in. He was screaming outside that he wanted half of everything and Miranda was his not hers and he wanted her and the dog was his but she could keep the cat... What about me? Why werent they fighting over wo got me? That was the first day of many that I felt unloved, unwanted. Before that I knew I was their whole world! Now I wasnt even worth fighting over, but the big pots and pans and the nice dish sets, the baby, the dog, I tried to run out to see my dad but my mom blocked me and he turned his back. I was yelling at my mom to let him in and he yelled at me to stay out of it. What was going on? How could this be happening? I ran to my room.
The next week I was a mess. I barely spoke to anyone. Me and my mom barely said 2 words to each other. My dad was staying at his parents house. I tried to call but he wouldnt talk to me. I did not know what to think. My world was crashing down hard. My dad wouldnt even talk to me and my mom could barely stand to look at me.
I got up and was getting ready to go to school, I was in the bathroom, I heard a big crash and I didnt know what to do, stay in the bathroom, come out, i just crounched down and before I knew it my mom had opened the bathroom door, grabbed me by the hair, threw me in her room and we baracaded her bedroom door. Then
another ig crash and yelling. My dad had come through our front door. He was yelling where is he I know hes here. My mom came out of the bedroom and they fought. Police were called and I just hid with the baby and out dog under my moms bed. It was a kind of fear I had not yet known. My dad was sure my mom was with someone else and that was why she kicked him out and my mom swears they were just friends. To this day I do not know the truth and probably never will, but I hated that guy!
Well Jan 29th, my birthday... I was now 15 years old. A big day for me. I tried to call my dad, he actually came to the phone and said hi and asked how I was doing, but no happy birthday and he let me go fairly quickly. My mom didnt say a word to me. I tried to call my friends but none of them were home. I had plans to go to my cousins house but did not feel up to it but she didnt answer her phone either so I went anyways. When I got in my eyes were so swollen from crying, I could barely keep them open. My aunt answere the door and told me to go wash my face before going in to see my cousin. I walked downstairs and my cousin had this whole birthday suprise planned for me. All of the friends that were too busy to answer their phones were there. SUPRISE! I was so suprised! It meant so much to me. I asked if my dad was here as well and they said no, I asked if he knew about it or my mom and they said no. So it still didnt explain why they didnt care about my birthday. I spent the party really up and down. By the end of the party I just wanted to go home. As much as I appreciated what had been done I just wasnt feeling great. I called my mom and she told me to spend the night at my cousins. I said I just wanted to come home and she hung up. I spent the night and went home in the morning. I wasn't able to fully appreciate what I had because I was too focused on what I didn't. Instead of being grateful for the people who did care about my birthday I was foccused on the people who didn't until it felt like there was only people who didn't care, I secluded myself to feel so alone, as if I had no one left who cared, when in reality I had the best friends, teachers, aunts, uncles, cousins, so many people who really cared about me! In my head I just couldnt beleive that they really did because my own parents didn't. THe only 2 people who really knew me. How could anyone love me if my parents didnt. I beleived it was just a matter of time before they really got to know me and then wouldn't want anything to do with me. I lived in this fear of rejection. THe fear of letting anyone too close to be able to hurt me the way my parents were. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to get my parents love. I did everything and anything just to hear an I love you, to feel something from either one of them, but all I got was hurt. Mean words, hurtful actions, pushed asside. I felt so worthless! I started to distance myself from anyone and everyone, in fear of them getting fed up of me and because it reminded me so much of the life I had once known but lost. Seeing them with their happy parents was like a slap in the face that I had none! I didnt like feeling like that. I didnt wish that they were hurting like I was hurting but I did long for someone somewhere to know the pain I was feeling so I didnt feel so left out.
My mom was always going out and I had the baby with me all of the time! She was my whole life! Only person I could really trust, since she couldnt talk. Only person I could be myself around and she had to love me she had no choice. I took care of her. I fed her, I put her to bed, I played with her, I mothered her! She made me feel so happy inside! Just having me in her life made her smile. I was so important to her. I had to take care of myself cuz she needed me. SHe would hold onto my pinky so tight and not let go. She needed me. I started to really just make her my whole world, partly because I had to, my mom was never around and partly because I needed to. My marks started to really drop in school. I could not focus. I had to get home to take care of the baby. I didnt trust that anyone would care of her except for me.
As I walked in the door from school I could feel the tension in the house. Something was wrong, very wrong! As soon as I walked in the door my mom in a very stern voice said "Sarah sit". I said "I am just gonna" and she said "sit!". I did not know what she was going to say but I could feel that I didn't want to. I sat down and she started to explain that my dad was going to move out and that she didnt know if it was going to be for a week, a month or forever but that they needed a break. HA I knew that couldnt be it. She was definitly joking. I just sat there and kept telling her to tell me the truth what was really going on. She had such a straight face no emotions. Then I saw my dad walking up from the basement, tears pouring down his face. He had a suitcase in his hands. He looked devistated. He kept saying he wanted answers. After 14 years of being together how could she just stop loving him. He did not realise I was already home. He tried to wipe his tears but as soon as he saw the look on my face after seeing his face he just completely broke down. He kneeled to my feet and cried. Trying to tell me that things were going to be ok and that he loved me no matter what and that he was sorry. I ran to my room. I was there about an hour just listening to the fighting. My dad was begging my mom not to do it, my mom was so calm through it all. She just kept saying she was done with this life.
I was upset but I knew in my heart that this would pass over.
My mom just stayed at the kitchen table. She never talked to me aout it at all, never an explination, she never even told me what the plan was, so really it couldnt be true. I beleived that she was just doing all of this to scare my dad and hurt him. Thats usually how their fights went. Shed over react, hed appologige and itd all be fixed again until the next time. If she really was serious then shed of come to tell me what was going to happen next and she didnt so it was all a bog joke.
My dad came into my room and sat on my bed. He asked me how I was holding up. I told him that I was confused and not to worry because mom was just being crazy and trying to hurt him. HE told me not to talk bad about my mom and that he woudl do his best to make things right. He sang me the song my girl and we danced in my room and cried and he just kept telling me not to forget how much he loved me.
He left that evening, and came back a few hours later and my mom wouldnt let him in. He was screaming outside that he wanted half of everything and Miranda was his not hers and he wanted her and the dog was his but she could keep the cat... What about me? Why werent they fighting over wo got me? That was the first day of many that I felt unloved, unwanted. Before that I knew I was their whole world! Now I wasnt even worth fighting over, but the big pots and pans and the nice dish sets, the baby, the dog, I tried to run out to see my dad but my mom blocked me and he turned his back. I was yelling at my mom to let him in and he yelled at me to stay out of it. What was going on? How could this be happening? I ran to my room.
The next week I was a mess. I barely spoke to anyone. Me and my mom barely said 2 words to each other. My dad was staying at his parents house. I tried to call but he wouldnt talk to me. I did not know what to think. My world was crashing down hard. My dad wouldnt even talk to me and my mom could barely stand to look at me.
I got up and was getting ready to go to school, I was in the bathroom, I heard a big crash and I didnt know what to do, stay in the bathroom, come out, i just crounched down and before I knew it my mom had opened the bathroom door, grabbed me by the hair, threw me in her room and we baracaded her bedroom door. Then
another ig crash and yelling. My dad had come through our front door. He was yelling where is he I know hes here. My mom came out of the bedroom and they fought. Police were called and I just hid with the baby and out dog under my moms bed. It was a kind of fear I had not yet known. My dad was sure my mom was with someone else and that was why she kicked him out and my mom swears they were just friends. To this day I do not know the truth and probably never will, but I hated that guy!
Well Jan 29th, my birthday... I was now 15 years old. A big day for me. I tried to call my dad, he actually came to the phone and said hi and asked how I was doing, but no happy birthday and he let me go fairly quickly. My mom didnt say a word to me. I tried to call my friends but none of them were home. I had plans to go to my cousins house but did not feel up to it but she didnt answer her phone either so I went anyways. When I got in my eyes were so swollen from crying, I could barely keep them open. My aunt answere the door and told me to go wash my face before going in to see my cousin. I walked downstairs and my cousin had this whole birthday suprise planned for me. All of the friends that were too busy to answer their phones were there. SUPRISE! I was so suprised! It meant so much to me. I asked if my dad was here as well and they said no, I asked if he knew about it or my mom and they said no. So it still didnt explain why they didnt care about my birthday. I spent the party really up and down. By the end of the party I just wanted to go home. As much as I appreciated what had been done I just wasnt feeling great. I called my mom and she told me to spend the night at my cousins. I said I just wanted to come home and she hung up. I spent the night and went home in the morning. I wasn't able to fully appreciate what I had because I was too focused on what I didn't. Instead of being grateful for the people who did care about my birthday I was foccused on the people who didn't until it felt like there was only people who didn't care, I secluded myself to feel so alone, as if I had no one left who cared, when in reality I had the best friends, teachers, aunts, uncles, cousins, so many people who really cared about me! In my head I just couldnt beleive that they really did because my own parents didn't. THe only 2 people who really knew me. How could anyone love me if my parents didnt. I beleived it was just a matter of time before they really got to know me and then wouldn't want anything to do with me. I lived in this fear of rejection. THe fear of letting anyone too close to be able to hurt me the way my parents were. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to get my parents love. I did everything and anything just to hear an I love you, to feel something from either one of them, but all I got was hurt. Mean words, hurtful actions, pushed asside. I felt so worthless! I started to distance myself from anyone and everyone, in fear of them getting fed up of me and because it reminded me so much of the life I had once known but lost. Seeing them with their happy parents was like a slap in the face that I had none! I didnt like feeling like that. I didnt wish that they were hurting like I was hurting but I did long for someone somewhere to know the pain I was feeling so I didnt feel so left out.
My mom was always going out and I had the baby with me all of the time! She was my whole life! Only person I could really trust, since she couldnt talk. Only person I could be myself around and she had to love me she had no choice. I took care of her. I fed her, I put her to bed, I played with her, I mothered her! She made me feel so happy inside! Just having me in her life made her smile. I was so important to her. I had to take care of myself cuz she needed me. SHe would hold onto my pinky so tight and not let go. She needed me. I started to really just make her my whole world, partly because I had to, my mom was never around and partly because I needed to. My marks started to really drop in school. I could not focus. I had to get home to take care of the baby. I didnt trust that anyone would care of her except for me.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
When reality hit
By the time I was a teenager I had been so sheltered from reality that I had no idea how bad things really were. I still thought that only bad guys and robbers did drugs and bad things and the the real everyday people never did bad things. Even though my dad was an alcoholic and my mom did cocaine every weekend. I was completely naive and oblivious to the real world! I lived in Sarah's world! Bad things only happened in the movies. How my parents managed to keep me so isolated while living in Verdun, a small town in Montreal, filled with gangs and drugs and violence either took a lot of creativity on their part or I was just too gullible, or a bit of both.
I remember one night where in reality some guys robbed a bank and were caught and there were cops and swat cars and if I remember correctly the military all with guns out waiting for theses people to come out. Well those guys they were after were on our roof. I wanted to look out the window to see what was going on, my mom kept shoving my head down telling me that they were making a movie. Well then maybe I could watch it live or even be on TV too and I kept trying to see and she kept shoving my head down. I was so mad at her thinking why she always had to ruin my fun! Although things like that happened all of the time in our town, I never had any idea!
My first dose of reality happened when I was 12 years old, a girl I had known had been murdered. There are no words to describe what I was feeling. My parents tried to shield me from as much of it as possible but it was everywhere. On every station, in every paper and of course being talked about all over the school. They didn't really know how to talk to me about it, seeing as how they'd never really had to talk to me about anything hard they'd always just covered it up. I pretty much just stayed in my room. I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want anyone to know how much I was hurting. She a year younger than me and a grade lower. When I was in grade 6 and her 5, we played together, I shared my lunch with her, we talked, she told me things, we were friends! I moved up to high school in grade 7 and she was in grade 6, but somedays on my luches I would go back to the school to visit some of the teachers and other kids, and her. She hadn't decided on what high school to go to yet and I was trying to convince her to choose the one I was going to. Then one night on the news there was her picture and then came the news. Sarah Dutil Coculuzzi, 11 years old, brutally murdered. The graphic details were so horrifying! She had been beaten, strangled, sexually assaulted, stabbed through the eye, and killed and then stuffed into a hockey bag and tossed into the dumpster. All alone! I would just imagine at how scared she must of been how alone she must have felt and just how unfair it was! THe guy who killed her was on trial for murder but never sentanced. I will never be able to walk past a dumpster bin without getting chills! That was the first funeral I had ever been to. A piece of me changed, a part of my inocense was gone and my views of the world changed. I just wanted to stay in my room and just be alone. I stopped being interested in things. What was the pint if someone could just come and kill you for no reason. I was mad at my parents for ever letting me think that the world was good and not to worry about things. How could I not worry if people were out killing kids!
I slowly started to get back to my life and move on but it just felt so different. I didn't feel safe anymore like I used to. I felt like bad things could happen. I would go on with my days the way I always had but my mind just wouldn't let me fully enjoy anything. It took a long time to start to feel normal again. But slowly I did. I will never fully let go of what happened to her but I had to move on.
Things at home were really shaky. My mom was so tense and my dad was drinking more and more. My mom wanted to have a baby. She wanted a baby so badly and all of her friends were having their 3rd and 4th children and all she had was me and I was growing up, I was already a teenager, wouldn't be much longer until I was moved out and then she'd have no one. It was driving her slowly insane!
Well she got her wish, she was pregnant! She was so happy! I was so happy, I really wanted a sister or a brother. We started gathering baby things, going through my old baby things and picking out some new things here and there. We were all so excited! One morning I heard my mom crying in the bathroom, really crying hard. I knew that her and my dad had been fighting the night before but I didn't think much of it and continued to get ready for school. My mom was crying so hard and wouldn't come out of the bathroom and well I had to go. I went in, with an attitude like other people live ere, hurry up and that is when I saw her, on the floor by the toilet and blood everywhere! She told me that she lost the baby. I didn't quite understand so I was like well I will help you find it. She cried more and said its gone. She couldn't bear to flush the toilet. She couldn't get up. SHe was heartbroken beyond! I helped her to the couch and just layed with her the entire day. We did not speak, we did not move. Nothing was ever said about it after that day, ever!
I started to see how unhappy my parents were. They barely spoke to eachother and when they did it was yelling. You could feel the tension as soon as you walked in the door. We tried to do things fun like going camping but it was still the same, lots of fighting or nothing at all. My dad found out that someone he had known had a pregnant daughter and they did not want to keep the baby. My dad knew the only way to make things right with my mom was to give her a baby so he thought they could get this baby! He tried. This little baby girl was born right around the time my mom's baby would have been, it was almost like fate! We had the baby for 1 month when the child welfair came in and said that the child must go to a registered foster home. My mom asked how we could become a foster home and the lady explained that it would take a long time. The mother of the baby found this out and did not want her baby going to just anyone so she took her back until we could find out a way to work it out. My mom was a mess. It was like her baby had been taken again! She had lost all hope! My dad kept trying, my dad worked out with the mom that his name be placed on the birth certificate as the father and then she could just sign over custody to the father of the baby and child welfair never has to know. It worked! We had a baby! SHe was now ours! Things with my parents seemed good for a while, although my dad's drinking was starting to get out of hand and my mom was so stressed about taking care of the baby but she couldn't because she had to keep dealing with him. My dad had been accused of child molestation. My mom was mad but was sure it was all a missunderstanding but at the same time she had begged him not to go out that night and he did anyways and well after that who really knows what happened. My mom wasn't as concerned about the situation as she was as to how it would effect keeping the baby. She was so worried that the wrong people would find out and we'd lose that baby. It was talked about all over the place. I heard bits and pieces of the story and had met her myself and well since I would never really know what happened I put together my own version of what I believed happened and that was that this girl was 16-17 was pretty flirty and would go and sit on the men's knees and ask for some beer and when my dad said no to her she accused him of molesting her. I know my dad said no to give her some beer cuz well that would mean that he'd have less. Again I really don't know any of it just the bits and pieces that everyone else talked about and that was all just stuff they had put together, no one really knows what happened that night except it was another factor in the end of my parents relationship. It tore my dad up to know that people thought he could actually do this, or he was embarrassed that he got caught, either way he was really upset!
My whole world was turning upside down, one day nothing bad ever happened to all of a sudden so many bad things were happening. After Sarah's death I started self destructing. I would stop eating, just a meal here and there to start and then I would make games out of it like see how many days I could go with no food at all, until I got dizzy. After the stuff with my dad is when I started cutting myself, again just a bit here and there, usually on the top of my foot, a place no one would ever see, then it got worse and worse.
Things just seemed to keep going down but whenever things seemed to be at the worst, there was this beautiful baby who would just melt my heart. I could tell her all of my secrets and she couldn't tell anyone. She would just look up at me with love in her eyes. I would sneak her out of her crib after my parents had gone to bed and have her sleep in my bed with me. I would take her out for walks while my parents fought, I would come home from school early so I could be home before my mom got home and clean up and look after the baby because well my dad wasn't getting out of bed at all anymore and to save him from getting yelled at and us from having to listen to it, I would just solve it all by taking care of everything myself. Plus I loved being with her. Life had so much more meaning whenever her face lit up when I walked by or when she'd put her arms out for me to pick her up. I actually felt loved, not a feeling I had felt in a while. It was wonderful! Being at school felt so pointless, I knew I wouldn't need it since I was going to be the kind of mom who stayed home with my kids. I would never have to leave them with anybody and then spend the day worrying about them. No way, not be, I was going to be there for them and with them 24/7. Being at school and worrying about the baby was hard enough now never mind when it would be my own child! I just wanted to graduate high school, take the ECE program at Vanier college and then I could open my own daycare and have children, that way I could make money while being with my kids. The perfect plan! Life was actually making sense.
I remember one night where in reality some guys robbed a bank and were caught and there were cops and swat cars and if I remember correctly the military all with guns out waiting for theses people to come out. Well those guys they were after were on our roof. I wanted to look out the window to see what was going on, my mom kept shoving my head down telling me that they were making a movie. Well then maybe I could watch it live or even be on TV too and I kept trying to see and she kept shoving my head down. I was so mad at her thinking why she always had to ruin my fun! Although things like that happened all of the time in our town, I never had any idea!
My first dose of reality happened when I was 12 years old, a girl I had known had been murdered. There are no words to describe what I was feeling. My parents tried to shield me from as much of it as possible but it was everywhere. On every station, in every paper and of course being talked about all over the school. They didn't really know how to talk to me about it, seeing as how they'd never really had to talk to me about anything hard they'd always just covered it up. I pretty much just stayed in my room. I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want anyone to know how much I was hurting. She a year younger than me and a grade lower. When I was in grade 6 and her 5, we played together, I shared my lunch with her, we talked, she told me things, we were friends! I moved up to high school in grade 7 and she was in grade 6, but somedays on my luches I would go back to the school to visit some of the teachers and other kids, and her. She hadn't decided on what high school to go to yet and I was trying to convince her to choose the one I was going to. Then one night on the news there was her picture and then came the news. Sarah Dutil Coculuzzi, 11 years old, brutally murdered. The graphic details were so horrifying! She had been beaten, strangled, sexually assaulted, stabbed through the eye, and killed and then stuffed into a hockey bag and tossed into the dumpster. All alone! I would just imagine at how scared she must of been how alone she must have felt and just how unfair it was! THe guy who killed her was on trial for murder but never sentanced. I will never be able to walk past a dumpster bin without getting chills! That was the first funeral I had ever been to. A piece of me changed, a part of my inocense was gone and my views of the world changed. I just wanted to stay in my room and just be alone. I stopped being interested in things. What was the pint if someone could just come and kill you for no reason. I was mad at my parents for ever letting me think that the world was good and not to worry about things. How could I not worry if people were out killing kids!
I slowly started to get back to my life and move on but it just felt so different. I didn't feel safe anymore like I used to. I felt like bad things could happen. I would go on with my days the way I always had but my mind just wouldn't let me fully enjoy anything. It took a long time to start to feel normal again. But slowly I did. I will never fully let go of what happened to her but I had to move on.
Things at home were really shaky. My mom was so tense and my dad was drinking more and more. My mom wanted to have a baby. She wanted a baby so badly and all of her friends were having their 3rd and 4th children and all she had was me and I was growing up, I was already a teenager, wouldn't be much longer until I was moved out and then she'd have no one. It was driving her slowly insane!
Well she got her wish, she was pregnant! She was so happy! I was so happy, I really wanted a sister or a brother. We started gathering baby things, going through my old baby things and picking out some new things here and there. We were all so excited! One morning I heard my mom crying in the bathroom, really crying hard. I knew that her and my dad had been fighting the night before but I didn't think much of it and continued to get ready for school. My mom was crying so hard and wouldn't come out of the bathroom and well I had to go. I went in, with an attitude like other people live ere, hurry up and that is when I saw her, on the floor by the toilet and blood everywhere! She told me that she lost the baby. I didn't quite understand so I was like well I will help you find it. She cried more and said its gone. She couldn't bear to flush the toilet. She couldn't get up. SHe was heartbroken beyond! I helped her to the couch and just layed with her the entire day. We did not speak, we did not move. Nothing was ever said about it after that day, ever!
I started to see how unhappy my parents were. They barely spoke to eachother and when they did it was yelling. You could feel the tension as soon as you walked in the door. We tried to do things fun like going camping but it was still the same, lots of fighting or nothing at all. My dad found out that someone he had known had a pregnant daughter and they did not want to keep the baby. My dad knew the only way to make things right with my mom was to give her a baby so he thought they could get this baby! He tried. This little baby girl was born right around the time my mom's baby would have been, it was almost like fate! We had the baby for 1 month when the child welfair came in and said that the child must go to a registered foster home. My mom asked how we could become a foster home and the lady explained that it would take a long time. The mother of the baby found this out and did not want her baby going to just anyone so she took her back until we could find out a way to work it out. My mom was a mess. It was like her baby had been taken again! She had lost all hope! My dad kept trying, my dad worked out with the mom that his name be placed on the birth certificate as the father and then she could just sign over custody to the father of the baby and child welfair never has to know. It worked! We had a baby! SHe was now ours! Things with my parents seemed good for a while, although my dad's drinking was starting to get out of hand and my mom was so stressed about taking care of the baby but she couldn't because she had to keep dealing with him. My dad had been accused of child molestation. My mom was mad but was sure it was all a missunderstanding but at the same time she had begged him not to go out that night and he did anyways and well after that who really knows what happened. My mom wasn't as concerned about the situation as she was as to how it would effect keeping the baby. She was so worried that the wrong people would find out and we'd lose that baby. It was talked about all over the place. I heard bits and pieces of the story and had met her myself and well since I would never really know what happened I put together my own version of what I believed happened and that was that this girl was 16-17 was pretty flirty and would go and sit on the men's knees and ask for some beer and when my dad said no to her she accused him of molesting her. I know my dad said no to give her some beer cuz well that would mean that he'd have less. Again I really don't know any of it just the bits and pieces that everyone else talked about and that was all just stuff they had put together, no one really knows what happened that night except it was another factor in the end of my parents relationship. It tore my dad up to know that people thought he could actually do this, or he was embarrassed that he got caught, either way he was really upset!
My whole world was turning upside down, one day nothing bad ever happened to all of a sudden so many bad things were happening. After Sarah's death I started self destructing. I would stop eating, just a meal here and there to start and then I would make games out of it like see how many days I could go with no food at all, until I got dizzy. After the stuff with my dad is when I started cutting myself, again just a bit here and there, usually on the top of my foot, a place no one would ever see, then it got worse and worse.
Things just seemed to keep going down but whenever things seemed to be at the worst, there was this beautiful baby who would just melt my heart. I could tell her all of my secrets and she couldn't tell anyone. She would just look up at me with love in her eyes. I would sneak her out of her crib after my parents had gone to bed and have her sleep in my bed with me. I would take her out for walks while my parents fought, I would come home from school early so I could be home before my mom got home and clean up and look after the baby because well my dad wasn't getting out of bed at all anymore and to save him from getting yelled at and us from having to listen to it, I would just solve it all by taking care of everything myself. Plus I loved being with her. Life had so much more meaning whenever her face lit up when I walked by or when she'd put her arms out for me to pick her up. I actually felt loved, not a feeling I had felt in a while. It was wonderful! Being at school felt so pointless, I knew I wouldn't need it since I was going to be the kind of mom who stayed home with my kids. I would never have to leave them with anybody and then spend the day worrying about them. No way, not be, I was going to be there for them and with them 24/7. Being at school and worrying about the baby was hard enough now never mind when it would be my own child! I just wanted to graduate high school, take the ECE program at Vanier college and then I could open my own daycare and have children, that way I could make money while being with my kids. The perfect plan! Life was actually making sense.
never give up
When in life nothing seems to work
When problems torment your soul
And money is the cause of your worries
Rest if you must but...
NEVER GIVE UP
When you've made too many mistakes
When your world seems to be crumbling
And exhausted, you feel your confidence slipping away
Rest if you must but...
NEVER GIVE UP
You know that life can be funny with its share of surprises and unexpected twists.
It is not a given to know what measures to take nor what obstacles to avoid before attaining happiness, peace and success.
How many have unfortunately given up when but for one more step, failure could have been success. With courage and tenacity, it is never too difficult to take that one extra step. You will then see, that with this renewed faith, you will discover, deep within you, strength, and powers that lay buried and now will help you realise your dreams. But first and foremost, remember this well:
When in life, you are faced with difficult moments... rest if you must but...
NEVER GIVE UP
(author unknown)
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