Tree of life

TREE OF LIFE

Roots

my family
- my experiences
-the development of my values -the influences that shaped me

• Growing up, was interesting. My dad was an alcoholic, my mom was addicted to cokain. I was never allowed to speak of these things and many of the things which happened in our house, not even to my closest friends which were my cousins who lived right downstairs from us. There was a lot of fighting between my parents and not a lot of stability but there was a lot of fun and a lot of love. As they often do the bad times outweighed the good times. I can remember hiding under my bed in fear knowing my dad was drunk and my mom was mad. I can also remember spending every summer camping at different places. My dad was not perfect, he did a lot of things wrong, but he was my hero. He was always there for me. When he got out of line he would talk to me and explain things in ways I could understand where as my mom would ignore me and if I asked her questions about things going on she would get angry. I knew my dad drank but I did not know about my mom’s drug use. I often felt like my mom was jealous because my dad was so much fun and she always had to be the bad guy. One night my dad was drinking and brought me out in the car and he tied a sled to the bumper of the car and let me sit on the sled as he drove the car. I couldn’t understand why my mom was so mad I thought it was because she was missing all of the fun. Every Friday evening the family would get together ; aunts, uncles and cousins. The adults would play cards (and party) and us kids would play. It was the best childhood memories that I have! A lot of the time my dad would come scare us and play tricks on us. He was the only adult that really ever interacted with the kids during the Friday night card nights. Everyone always said my dad was a kid at heart and would never grow up. I put value early on in life to have consistency. My dad was consistent, my mom was not. One day jumping on the bed was the worst thing I could do and the next she would encourage it. By the time I was 5 I knew I wanted to be a mom. I loved taking care of the baby cousins.During the school years of my life I grew to trust more people and to feel a sense of security. I had some amazing teachers who taught me to use my imagination and the things I had been through to write stories which really helped me along the way especially during my teenage years. During my teenage years my roots came crashing from under me. My parents got divorced, a lot of ugly fighting and hurtful things done to each other and to me, until my mom lost her mind and ran away. That was one of the hardest days of my life. I had no idea where she was, if she was alive or why she didn’t want me. I felt so lost, abandoned and broken. During that time of grief my dad in a drunken rage told me that he was not my father and could no longer see me anymore. Through time I cam to realize that all of the cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents were also not related to me. My roots had been ripped out. As unsteady as they had been Id of taken them back in a second over not having any at all. I lost everything, including myself. My mom made contact and as hurt as I was I was thrilled to hear her voice, we talked and she admitted the whole biology thing and gave me my real dad’s name. She hung up explaining that I could not have her number to call her but that she would call again soon. Months went by, I had not heard from her. I ended up looking up my real dad and giving him a call. He was married and had 3 boys. A family. They invited me to visit and then to stay. As great as it was an instant family was hard. Having this family I should of had. I was having a hard time letting go of the hurt and confusion and made some bad choices. The new roots just were fitting where the old roots were supposed to be. I learned the biggest lesson of my life ; my past wasn’t going anywhere until I dealt with it. The emotions, the people, the confusion, the hurt, all of it. I had to make amenze with the people I hurt and get some closure from the rest, either by them no longer being a part of my life or continuing to be in my life or I would never be happy. I could not go on feeling like I hurt my dad that raised me and cared for me my whole life, I had to know where I stood with my mom, and all of my aunts, uncles and cousins, just because we were not blood did not mean we were not family. I had to find a way to intertwine my new roots with the old ones and rebuild some if necessary or take them out. 

• To summarize I would say that my foundation was not sturdy, some good, some bad, not a solid foundation. I never knew what to expect. i learned that trust and love were conditional, I was constantly trying to impress my parents to get their love. There were so many lies and secrets that it was sometimes hard to tell what was real life which I believe was the start for my over active imagination, my determination and my desire to help others.Trunk

TRUNK

school 

work 

family 

home

By fixing my roots I am able to have a stable trunk. It wasn’t easy and it took time, more time then took to break them. It took 10 years for me to have a relationship with my mom. My dad and I ha great relationship although he has cancer. My real dad and step mom and brothers and I talk quit often. With that being said non of the three sides can be anywhere near each other. They all live in different provinces.

The biggest part of my trunk is my family, Bryan and my 4 children. Bryan was my boyfriend bac I was a teenager and my roots got pulled out, but I moved away and left him behind. During the ti was making bad choices I got pregnant, got married thinking that was the best option as I did not my children in a broken home, even though the marriage was not a loving one I thought it better t than ever having to be away from my child. After the second baby was born it started to get ugly. I not happy, he was not happy and it was affecting the children. We decided to live apart. During that time, my dad (that raised me) called and said he had cancer. I knew I had to go back home. I wanted him to meet my children. I needed to have that closure with him and mutual forgiveness. The kids dad said he would come with us as he did not want to be that far from the kids. He came but made my life so hard, fighting with me while I was already emotional and trying to deal with a lot of past and present hurt and then he decided to leave. He walked out and went back to his home. Had nothing more to do with the kids. I went out one day, crying because I had no where to live, no money. 2 children and I was loosing my dad. There was Bryan. He was also newly out of a long term relationship but with no kids. We became a family. He has raised my two boys as his own and together we have 2 girls. Funny how things turn out. My job is also a big chunk of my trunk. I run a day home, it is something I have always wanted to although I wanted my own center for now this is close enough. I have been able to help people going through hard times. I started off taking care of children, especially the ones no one else wanted to for, the hard children, the ones who've had hard times, and I quickly evolved to helping the parent well instead of waiting to help heal a hurt child I am trying to help parents not to hurt them. Giving them options that they might not have known they have. It’s challenging but rewarding!
Leaves 

meaningful information

I learn in many different ways, mainly by experience. I hold on to memories that have affected me both positively and negatively. I enjoy reading and writing but am more of a hands on learner. I am always thinking, I may often look like I am staring off into space but there is always something running through my mind at all times. I hourly enjoy thinking. I try to analyse the whys of everything which often bothers Bryan because as he says sometimes there is no reason.

Fruits 

achievements

My biggest achievements would be my children. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, I knew I would be good at it but I didn’t know how hard it would be and how much I would overcome to be the mom I am.
Graduating high school with all of the challenges I faced.Running a licensed, accredited family day home.
I am so proud of myself for going back to finish school. I wasn't able to after high school, I was accepted but had no parents to sign for me, and I tried once more but my dad needed me to come back home so I wasn’t able to. Now with 4 children and a day home I am doing it. it!
Making my life my own, not letting what happened to me define who I turned out to be and ending the circle of abuse and addictions that I had come from.
Being happy! It sounds small but there was a time that happy was someone else’s story.

Buds
 My future

There was a time where the reality of having a future was slim. Where my life came from and where I was headed my life was basically over. I had even given up on life completely. I did not want to live if living hurt so badly. It wasn’t until I saw that positive on the pregnancy stick that I wanted to live and wanted to live a good life. My child deserved the best and I was willing to do whatever it took for my child to have a great life. I started taking care of myself and the more I did the more I wanted to, it started out as being because I had to for my child and eventually became because I deserved it too.
My goals are to eventually become a foster mom. I want to make an unloved child feel loved and give them at chance at life that they may not have had. I want to run a centre that specializes in children with special needs.
I hope my children and I always have a close relationship. I hope they always know how much they mean to me. I hope one day Bryan and I can get married. Im pushing it here but if we do I hope all of our family can be there with us.

Tree of Life 

Conclusion

The reason I chose this tree is because you can see the roots, some broken and pulled out yet still a healthy strong tree grows from them. Never give up, no matter what the beginning of your story, no matter how hard the middle gets, keep going, happy endings are possible! In my tree my roots had been ripped out, branches and leaves had broken off or not grown at all, fruits and buds were not possible, but with a lot of work, my tree is still growing strong. I had given up, was ready to cut my tree down and am so glad now that I didn’t as my tree is even better then the one I used to wish for. As rough as my roots were they are an important part of my tree. I would not be who I am today without them, although the roots aren’t as important as the rest of the tree, the parts of the tree that I chose! I got to choose how I let my roots affect my trunk, the leaves and my buds and fruit.