mom

MOM
It has been so easy for me to blame you and hate you and less easy for me to thank you! You had tried for so long to make up for what you did and I so badly wanted you to suffer and all that was doing was making me suffer also because I needed you. And then I was angrier at you for not being around but when you tried I'd not let you. Continuing in this vicious circle of pain and revenge. You hurt me, you didn't mean to, it was not your intention, you were in a bad place and had to make a lot of hard choices and I didn't want to make it easier for you, I was mad and hurt and made things harder for both of us, I meant to hurt you, I wanted you to hurt as bad as I was, what I didn't realize is that your hurt was so much more than what I could see or understand, you were hurting enough already and I kept pushing. For that I am sorry! I am sorry that I am harder on you than either of my dads, they hurt me as well and for that I blamed you. I felt so alone and unwanted and although I knew I could run to you and you would be there I didn't want to give you that satisfaction. You made mistakes and for them I made you suffer more than you deserved. Now we have a relationship and I still hold onto all of the pain from the past, it's not easy to let go. You have changed but also have not but I had to make a choice to either accept you as is or not have you at all and I have missed having a mom. I know life wasn't easy for you. I know you were 16 when you had me and did the best that you could. You are now a huge part of my life and my children's lives and I can see how much you try and for that I thank you! I love you mom!