College

From the time I got into high school I had dreamt of attending Vanier college in the Early Childhood Education program! I knew I wanted to work with kids and be a mom!
My last year of high school was a tough one! I was basically on my own! I was babysitting at 2.50 an hour to pay for my uniform and books and grad expenses.
I got the letter in the mail saying I was accepted into Vanier into the Early Childhood Education program! My dreams had come true! I had worked so hard to make it and I did!
My next letter from the college was for applying for funds, good thing because 2.50 an hour was not enough to cover college expenses. Well I filled all of the papers but at the end you needed a parent to sign. That is the one thing I did not have! A parent! My dad was legally not my dad and could not sign the papers, my mom had run away not knowing where she was and not being in the same province made it impossible to get the papers signed. I went in and spoke with the college administrators who were sympathetic to my circumstances but could not help. They kept transferring me to different places that might just be able to help. Going over my story over and over just to be told I am very sorry for what you have been through but we can't help you, over and over! I was heart broken! All of that hard work! My dreams coming true and get crushed all at the same time! I think I would of fathered just not have gotten in! I was devastated.
My aunt who I was living with was getting married and constantly struggling to pay for things and had an extra teenager in the house that she did not get money for was a huge stress on her. I had to get out of there before I took her down too!
I had talked with my biological dad and his wife and they offered for me to go there and do my college 3 provinces away from where I lived. I had to choose having no where to live, no college but being with Bryan and my friends and family and life that I knew, as crappy as it was I knew what to expect where as this was going to be all new and unknown and alone. I had only met this family one time before for a week total. A few letters and phone calls but to live with them, it was such a hard decision but really in the end I had no choice! I had to go! I left my life behind and Bryan! Again so heartbroken!
I applied for college in this new place for the same program and I was accepted! I was still feeling down! I loved my new family and getting to know them and the place was so beautiful, nothing like where I had come from! People were so friendly! But it was hard to accept as I missed everything from home! I was trying to put on a smile and go with it but inside I was dying, slowly, everyday! I still couldn't understand why my mom didn't want me, and I missed my sister so very much and my dad! I felt like I was cheating on him. I know it hurt him when I left and I couldn't forgive myself for that!
I was doing great in college! A and A+ fairly consistently, then in one of my classes the assignment was a family tree. I broke down completely. How could I make a family tree without my dad? And if he is not on it neither are my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so embarrassed to cry in class! As I wrote my moms name it hit me that I didn't even know where she was or how to get ahold of her. I knew what province she was staying in but not her phone number. What if I got hit by a car and died? She would never know. I just couldn't get it together. I felt like I was failing at this family too cuz I was keeping them at a distance because I was so afraid if I wasn't perfect they'd leave me too! If they really knew me they'd also not want me! The teacher heard my story, well part of it and told me not to worry too much about it and just make up a fake family! I kept that fake family tree for years. Looking to it whenever I needed to feel some family love! My fake family was perfect! They loved me! It also made me feel partially crazy but good at the same time!
Well near the end of the first year things got too much for me. My dad from back home was calling all the time he needed my help! He was going to jail if I didn't get there and tell the truth about some of the things that went on. My mom was saying that he sent us death threats. And with the other charges she put against him, he was facing jail time. He already had a record and it didn't look good for him and I had to help him.
And to top it off my mom had called and needed me to come out to where she was to take care of my sister. So I took time off and went back to home to help my dad and then back across the country to help my mom. I felt needed and loved by the very people I was longing to feel that way from! But I was used! My mom left me with my sister and didn't come back. It was supposed to be a week but a week went by and she didn't come back. I was worried that she had died! I was embarrassed to ask for help as everyone warned me not to go and not to trust her but I did anyway. I had to. After a month she came back and was not letting me leave. Locking me in the room. We fought to out real hard. Finally she took me to the airport. At the airport my sister would not let me go. She was begging the lady to let her on the plane. The lady said no. She cried and cried and held onto me so tight. I felt horrible for leaving her! I should have stayed and took care of her. I felt so selfish! She had been my whole world! She was hurting so bad. She ended up running past security onto the plane and they had to drag her off. She was 5. It was devastating!
I went back to college but my mind just wasn't there! I had missed a lot of classes and my marks were slipping and I was just a mess inside and out! Everything I was learning about childcare and I had just abandoned my own sister! I literally cracked under pressure!
I could not handle my life!
Now 11 years later (and many events) I am running a dayhome out of my house and decided now is a great time to finish my Early Childhood education program! Well if it had been only 10 years I could have started right where I left off but 11 years I have to start over! Oh well, thats a small price to pay to finally live out my dreams! I am doing it! My marks aren't where I think they should be as I know the information, I got A's the first time around, the information hasn't changed much and I have used my childcare knowledge throughout the 11 years, being a mom, working in the schools and various daycares. But I just don't have the time to sit and focus. 11 years ago I took the courses in the college which you get time in a class with a teacher, now I am doing it online at home in between my job and my 4 kids and getting supper and cleaning, and helping with homework and homeschooling my daughter. But I am doing it and passing and I will make it through!