It has been so easy for me to blame you and hate you and less easy for me to thank you! You had tried for so long to make up for what you did and I so badly wanted you to suffer and all that was doing was making me suffer also because I needed you. And then I was angrier at you for not being around but when you tried I'd not let you. Continuing in this vicious circle of pain and revenge. You hurt me, you didn't mean to, it was not your intention, you were in a bad place and had to make a lot of hard choices and I didn't want to make it easier for you, I was mad and hurt and made things harder for both of us, I meant to hurt you, I wanted you to hurt as bad as I was, what I didn't realize is that your hurt was so much more than what I could see or understand, you were hurting enough already and I kept pushing. For that I am sorry! I am sorry that I am harder on you than either of my dads, they hurt me as well and for that I blamed you. I felt so alone and unwanted and although I knew I could run to you and you would be there I didn't want to give you that satisfaction. You made mistakes and for them I made you suffer more than you deserved. Now we have a relationship and I still hold onto all of the pain from the past, it's not easy to let go. You have changed but also have not but I had to make a choice to either accept you as is or not have you at all and I have missed having a mom. I know life wasn't easy for you. I know you were 16 when you had me and did the best that you could. You are now a huge part of my life and my children's lives and I can see how much you try and for that I thank you! I love you mom!
Sunday, July 20, 2014
mom
It has been so easy for me to blame you and hate you and less easy for me to thank you! You had tried for so long to make up for what you did and I so badly wanted you to suffer and all that was doing was making me suffer also because I needed you. And then I was angrier at you for not being around but when you tried I'd not let you. Continuing in this vicious circle of pain and revenge. You hurt me, you didn't mean to, it was not your intention, you were in a bad place and had to make a lot of hard choices and I didn't want to make it easier for you, I was mad and hurt and made things harder for both of us, I meant to hurt you, I wanted you to hurt as bad as I was, what I didn't realize is that your hurt was so much more than what I could see or understand, you were hurting enough already and I kept pushing. For that I am sorry! I am sorry that I am harder on you than either of my dads, they hurt me as well and for that I blamed you. I felt so alone and unwanted and although I knew I could run to you and you would be there I didn't want to give you that satisfaction. You made mistakes and for them I made you suffer more than you deserved. Now we have a relationship and I still hold onto all of the pain from the past, it's not easy to let go. You have changed but also have not but I had to make a choice to either accept you as is or not have you at all and I have missed having a mom. I know life wasn't easy for you. I know you were 16 when you had me and did the best that you could. You are now a huge part of my life and my children's lives and I can see how much you try and for that I thank you! I love you mom!
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Tree of life
TREE OF LIFE
Roots
my family
- my experiences
-the development of my values -the influences that shaped me
- my experiences
-the development of my values -the influences that shaped me
• Growing up, was interesting. My dad was an alcoholic, my mom was addicted to cokain. I was never allowed to speak of these things and many of the things which happened in our house, not even to my closest friends which were my cousins who lived right downstairs from us. There was a lot of fighting between my parents and not a lot of stability but there was a lot of fun and a lot of love. As they often do the bad times outweighed the good times. I can remember hiding under my bed in fear knowing my dad was drunk and my mom was mad. I can also remember spending every summer camping at different places. My dad was not perfect, he did a lot of things wrong, but he was my hero. He was always there for me. When he got out of line he would talk to me and explain things in ways I could understand where as my mom would ignore me and if I asked her questions about things going on she would get angry. I knew my dad drank but I did not know about my mom’s drug use. I often felt like my mom was jealous because my dad was so much fun and she always had to be the bad guy. One night my dad was drinking and brought me out in the car and he tied a sled to the bumper of the car and let me sit on the sled as he drove the car. I couldn’t understand why my mom was so mad I thought it was because she was missing all of the fun. Every Friday evening the family would get together ; aunts, uncles and cousins. The adults would play cards (and party) and us kids would play. It was the best childhood memories that I have! A lot of the time my dad would come scare us and play tricks on us. He was the only adult that really ever interacted with the kids during the Friday night card nights. Everyone always said my dad was a kid at heart and would never grow up. I put value early on in life to have consistency. My dad was consistent, my mom was not. One day jumping on the bed was the worst thing I could do and the next she would encourage it. By the time I was 5 I knew I wanted to be a mom. I loved taking care of the baby cousins.During the school years of my life I grew to trust more people and to feel a sense of security. I had some amazing teachers who taught me to use my imagination and the things I had been through to write stories which really helped me along the way especially during my teenage years. During my teenage years my roots came crashing from under me. My parents got divorced, a lot of ugly fighting and hurtful things done to each other and to me, until my mom lost her mind and ran away. That was one of the hardest days of my life. I had no idea where she was, if she was alive or why she didn’t want me. I felt so lost, abandoned and broken. During that time of grief my dad in a drunken rage told me that he was not my father and could no longer see me anymore. Through time I cam to realize that all of the cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents were also not related to me. My roots had been ripped out. As unsteady as they had been Id of taken them back in a second over not having any at all. I lost everything, including myself. My mom made contact and as hurt as I was I was thrilled to hear her voice, we talked and she admitted the whole biology thing and gave me my real dad’s name. She hung up explaining that I could not have her number to call her but that she would call again soon. Months went by, I had not heard from her. I ended up looking up my real dad and giving him a call. He was married and had 3 boys. A family. They invited me to visit and then to stay. As great as it was an instant family was hard. Having this family I should of had. I was having a hard time letting go of the hurt and confusion and made some bad choices. The new roots just were fitting where the old roots were supposed to be. I learned the biggest lesson of my life ; my past wasn’t going anywhere until I dealt with it. The emotions, the people, the confusion, the hurt, all of it. I had to make amenze with the people I hurt and get some closure from the rest, either by them no longer being a part of my life or continuing to be in my life or I would never be happy. I could not go on feeling like I hurt my dad that raised me and cared for me my whole life, I had to know where I stood with my mom, and all of my aunts, uncles and cousins, just because we were not blood did not mean we were not family. I had to find a way to intertwine my new roots with the old ones and rebuild some if necessary or take them out.
• To summarize I would say that my foundation was not sturdy, some good, some bad, not a solid foundation. I never knew what to expect. i learned that trust and love were conditional, I was constantly trying to impress my parents to get their love. There were so many lies and secrets that it was sometimes hard to tell what was real life which I believe was the start for my over active imagination, my determination and my desire to help others.Trunk
TRUNK
school
work
family
home
By fixing my roots I am able to have a stable trunk. It wasn’t easy and it took time, more time then took to break them. It took 10 years for me to have a relationship with my mom. My dad and I ha great relationship although he has cancer. My real dad and step mom and brothers and I talk quit often. With that being said non of the three sides can be anywhere near each other. They all live in different provinces.
The biggest part of my trunk is my family, Bryan and my 4 children. Bryan was my boyfriend bac I was a teenager and my roots got pulled out, but I moved away and left him behind. During the ti was making bad choices I got pregnant, got married thinking that was the best option as I did not my children in a broken home, even though the marriage was not a loving one I thought it better t than ever having to be away from my child. After the second baby was born it started to get ugly. I not happy, he was not happy and it was affecting the children. We decided to live apart. During that time, my dad (that raised me) called and said he had cancer. I knew I had to go back home. I wanted him to meet my children. I needed to have that closure with him and mutual forgiveness. The kids dad said he would come with us as he did not want to be that far from the kids. He came but made my life so hard, fighting with me while I was already emotional and trying to deal with a lot of past and present hurt and then he decided to leave. He walked out and went back to his home. Had nothing more to do with the kids. I went out one day, crying because I had no where to live, no money. 2 children and I was loosing my dad. There was Bryan. He was also newly out of a long term relationship but with no kids. We became a family. He has raised my two boys as his own and together we have 2 girls. Funny how things turn out. My job is also a big chunk of my trunk. I run a day home, it is something I have always wanted to although I wanted my own center for now this is close enough. I have been able to help people going through hard times. I started off taking care of children, especially the ones no one else wanted to for, the hard children, the ones who've had hard times, and I quickly evolved to helping the parent well instead of waiting to help heal a hurt child I am trying to help parents not to hurt them. Giving them options that they might not have known they have. It’s challenging but rewarding!
Leaves
Leaves
meaningful information
I learn in many different ways, mainly by experience. I hold on to memories that have affected me both positively and negatively. I enjoy reading and writing but am more of a hands on learner. I am always thinking, I may often look like I am staring off into space but there is always something running through my mind at all times. I hourly enjoy thinking. I try to analyse the whys of everything which often bothers Bryan because as he says sometimes there is no reason.
Fruits
achievements
My biggest achievements would be my children. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, I knew I would be good at it but I didn’t know how hard it would be and how much I would overcome to be the mom I am.
Graduating high school with all of the challenges I faced.Running a licensed, accredited family day home.
I am so proud of myself for going back to finish school. I wasn't able to after high school, I was accepted but had no parents to sign for me, and I tried once more but my dad needed me to come back home so I wasn’t able to. Now with 4 children and a day home I am doing it. it!
Making my life my own, not letting what happened to me define who I turned out to be and ending the circle of abuse and addictions that I had come from.
Being happy! It sounds small but there was a time that happy was someone else’s story.
Graduating high school with all of the challenges I faced.Running a licensed, accredited family day home.
I am so proud of myself for going back to finish school. I wasn't able to after high school, I was accepted but had no parents to sign for me, and I tried once more but my dad needed me to come back home so I wasn’t able to. Now with 4 children and a day home I am doing it. it!
Making my life my own, not letting what happened to me define who I turned out to be and ending the circle of abuse and addictions that I had come from.
Being happy! It sounds small but there was a time that happy was someone else’s story.
Buds
My future
My future
There was a time where the reality of having a future was slim. Where my life came from and where I was headed my life was basically over. I had even given up on life completely. I did not want to live if living hurt so badly. It wasn’t until I saw that positive on the pregnancy stick that I wanted to live and wanted to live a good life. My child deserved the best and I was willing to do whatever it took for my child to have a great life. I started taking care of myself and the more I did the more I wanted to, it started out as being because I had to for my child and eventually became because I deserved it too.
My goals are to eventually become a foster mom. I want to make an unloved child feel loved and give them at chance at life that they may not have had. I want to run a centre that specializes in children with special needs.
I hope my children and I always have a close relationship. I hope they always know how much they mean to me. I hope one day Bryan and I can get married. Im pushing it here but if we do I hope all of our family can be there with us.
My goals are to eventually become a foster mom. I want to make an unloved child feel loved and give them at chance at life that they may not have had. I want to run a centre that specializes in children with special needs.
I hope my children and I always have a close relationship. I hope they always know how much they mean to me. I hope one day Bryan and I can get married. Im pushing it here but if we do I hope all of our family can be there with us.
Tree of Life
Conclusion
The reason I chose this tree is because you can see the roots, some broken and pulled out yet still a healthy strong tree grows from them. Never give up, no matter what the beginning of your story, no matter how hard the middle gets, keep going, happy endings are possible! In my tree my roots had been ripped out, branches and leaves had broken off or not grown at all, fruits and buds were not possible, but with a lot of work, my tree is still growing strong. I had given up, was ready to cut my tree down and am so glad now that I didn’t as my tree is even better then the one I used to wish for. As rough as my roots were they are an important part of my tree. I would not be who I am today without them, although the roots aren’t as important as the rest of the tree, the parts of the tree that I chose! I got to choose how I let my roots affect my trunk, the leaves and my buds and fruit.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
College
From the time I got into high school I had dreamt of attending Vanier college in the Early Childhood Education program! I knew I wanted to work with kids and be a mom!
My last year of high school was a tough one! I was basically on my own! I was babysitting at 2.50 an hour to pay for my uniform and books and grad expenses.
I got the letter in the mail saying I was accepted into Vanier into the Early Childhood Education program! My dreams had come true! I had worked so hard to make it and I did!
My next letter from the college was for applying for funds, good thing because 2.50 an hour was not enough to cover college expenses. Well I filled all of the papers but at the end you needed a parent to sign. That is the one thing I did not have! A parent! My dad was legally not my dad and could not sign the papers, my mom had run away not knowing where she was and not being in the same province made it impossible to get the papers signed. I went in and spoke with the college administrators who were sympathetic to my circumstances but could not help. They kept transferring me to different places that might just be able to help. Going over my story over and over just to be told I am very sorry for what you have been through but we can't help you, over and over! I was heart broken! All of that hard work! My dreams coming true and get crushed all at the same time! I think I would of fathered just not have gotten in! I was devastated.
My aunt who I was living with was getting married and constantly struggling to pay for things and had an extra teenager in the house that she did not get money for was a huge stress on her. I had to get out of there before I took her down too!
I had talked with my biological dad and his wife and they offered for me to go there and do my college 3 provinces away from where I lived. I had to choose having no where to live, no college but being with Bryan and my friends and family and life that I knew, as crappy as it was I knew what to expect where as this was going to be all new and unknown and alone. I had only met this family one time before for a week total. A few letters and phone calls but to live with them, it was such a hard decision but really in the end I had no choice! I had to go! I left my life behind and Bryan! Again so heartbroken!
I applied for college in this new place for the same program and I was accepted! I was still feeling down! I loved my new family and getting to know them and the place was so beautiful, nothing like where I had come from! People were so friendly! But it was hard to accept as I missed everything from home! I was trying to put on a smile and go with it but inside I was dying, slowly, everyday! I still couldn't understand why my mom didn't want me, and I missed my sister so very much and my dad! I felt like I was cheating on him. I know it hurt him when I left and I couldn't forgive myself for that!
I was doing great in college! A and A+ fairly consistently, then in one of my classes the assignment was a family tree. I broke down completely. How could I make a family tree without my dad? And if he is not on it neither are my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so embarrassed to cry in class! As I wrote my moms name it hit me that I didn't even know where she was or how to get ahold of her. I knew what province she was staying in but not her phone number. What if I got hit by a car and died? She would never know. I just couldn't get it together. I felt like I was failing at this family too cuz I was keeping them at a distance because I was so afraid if I wasn't perfect they'd leave me too! If they really knew me they'd also not want me! The teacher heard my story, well part of it and told me not to worry too much about it and just make up a fake family! I kept that fake family tree for years. Looking to it whenever I needed to feel some family love! My fake family was perfect! They loved me! It also made me feel partially crazy but good at the same time!
Well near the end of the first year things got too much for me. My dad from back home was calling all the time he needed my help! He was going to jail if I didn't get there and tell the truth about some of the things that went on. My mom was saying that he sent us death threats. And with the other charges she put against him, he was facing jail time. He already had a record and it didn't look good for him and I had to help him.
And to top it off my mom had called and needed me to come out to where she was to take care of my sister. So I took time off and went back to home to help my dad and then back across the country to help my mom. I felt needed and loved by the very people I was longing to feel that way from! But I was used! My mom left me with my sister and didn't come back. It was supposed to be a week but a week went by and she didn't come back. I was worried that she had died! I was embarrassed to ask for help as everyone warned me not to go and not to trust her but I did anyway. I had to. After a month she came back and was not letting me leave. Locking me in the room. We fought to out real hard. Finally she took me to the airport. At the airport my sister would not let me go. She was begging the lady to let her on the plane. The lady said no. She cried and cried and held onto me so tight. I felt horrible for leaving her! I should have stayed and took care of her. I felt so selfish! She had been my whole world! She was hurting so bad. She ended up running past security onto the plane and they had to drag her off. She was 5. It was devastating!
I went back to college but my mind just wasn't there! I had missed a lot of classes and my marks were slipping and I was just a mess inside and out! Everything I was learning about childcare and I had just abandoned my own sister! I literally cracked under pressure!
I could not handle my life!
Now 11 years later (and many events) I am running a dayhome out of my house and decided now is a great time to finish my Early Childhood education program! Well if it had been only 10 years I could have started right where I left off but 11 years I have to start over! Oh well, thats a small price to pay to finally live out my dreams! I am doing it! My marks aren't where I think they should be as I know the information, I got A's the first time around, the information hasn't changed much and I have used my childcare knowledge throughout the 11 years, being a mom, working in the schools and various daycares. But I just don't have the time to sit and focus. 11 years ago I took the courses in the college which you get time in a class with a teacher, now I am doing it online at home in between my job and my 4 kids and getting supper and cleaning, and helping with homework and homeschooling my daughter. But I am doing it and passing and I will make it through!
My last year of high school was a tough one! I was basically on my own! I was babysitting at 2.50 an hour to pay for my uniform and books and grad expenses.
I got the letter in the mail saying I was accepted into Vanier into the Early Childhood Education program! My dreams had come true! I had worked so hard to make it and I did!
My next letter from the college was for applying for funds, good thing because 2.50 an hour was not enough to cover college expenses. Well I filled all of the papers but at the end you needed a parent to sign. That is the one thing I did not have! A parent! My dad was legally not my dad and could not sign the papers, my mom had run away not knowing where she was and not being in the same province made it impossible to get the papers signed. I went in and spoke with the college administrators who were sympathetic to my circumstances but could not help. They kept transferring me to different places that might just be able to help. Going over my story over and over just to be told I am very sorry for what you have been through but we can't help you, over and over! I was heart broken! All of that hard work! My dreams coming true and get crushed all at the same time! I think I would of fathered just not have gotten in! I was devastated.
My aunt who I was living with was getting married and constantly struggling to pay for things and had an extra teenager in the house that she did not get money for was a huge stress on her. I had to get out of there before I took her down too!
I had talked with my biological dad and his wife and they offered for me to go there and do my college 3 provinces away from where I lived. I had to choose having no where to live, no college but being with Bryan and my friends and family and life that I knew, as crappy as it was I knew what to expect where as this was going to be all new and unknown and alone. I had only met this family one time before for a week total. A few letters and phone calls but to live with them, it was such a hard decision but really in the end I had no choice! I had to go! I left my life behind and Bryan! Again so heartbroken!
I applied for college in this new place for the same program and I was accepted! I was still feeling down! I loved my new family and getting to know them and the place was so beautiful, nothing like where I had come from! People were so friendly! But it was hard to accept as I missed everything from home! I was trying to put on a smile and go with it but inside I was dying, slowly, everyday! I still couldn't understand why my mom didn't want me, and I missed my sister so very much and my dad! I felt like I was cheating on him. I know it hurt him when I left and I couldn't forgive myself for that!
I was doing great in college! A and A+ fairly consistently, then in one of my classes the assignment was a family tree. I broke down completely. How could I make a family tree without my dad? And if he is not on it neither are my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so embarrassed to cry in class! As I wrote my moms name it hit me that I didn't even know where she was or how to get ahold of her. I knew what province she was staying in but not her phone number. What if I got hit by a car and died? She would never know. I just couldn't get it together. I felt like I was failing at this family too cuz I was keeping them at a distance because I was so afraid if I wasn't perfect they'd leave me too! If they really knew me they'd also not want me! The teacher heard my story, well part of it and told me not to worry too much about it and just make up a fake family! I kept that fake family tree for years. Looking to it whenever I needed to feel some family love! My fake family was perfect! They loved me! It also made me feel partially crazy but good at the same time!
Well near the end of the first year things got too much for me. My dad from back home was calling all the time he needed my help! He was going to jail if I didn't get there and tell the truth about some of the things that went on. My mom was saying that he sent us death threats. And with the other charges she put against him, he was facing jail time. He already had a record and it didn't look good for him and I had to help him.
And to top it off my mom had called and needed me to come out to where she was to take care of my sister. So I took time off and went back to home to help my dad and then back across the country to help my mom. I felt needed and loved by the very people I was longing to feel that way from! But I was used! My mom left me with my sister and didn't come back. It was supposed to be a week but a week went by and she didn't come back. I was worried that she had died! I was embarrassed to ask for help as everyone warned me not to go and not to trust her but I did anyway. I had to. After a month she came back and was not letting me leave. Locking me in the room. We fought to out real hard. Finally she took me to the airport. At the airport my sister would not let me go. She was begging the lady to let her on the plane. The lady said no. She cried and cried and held onto me so tight. I felt horrible for leaving her! I should have stayed and took care of her. I felt so selfish! She had been my whole world! She was hurting so bad. She ended up running past security onto the plane and they had to drag her off. She was 5. It was devastating!
I went back to college but my mind just wasn't there! I had missed a lot of classes and my marks were slipping and I was just a mess inside and out! Everything I was learning about childcare and I had just abandoned my own sister! I literally cracked under pressure!
I could not handle my life!
Now 11 years later (and many events) I am running a dayhome out of my house and decided now is a great time to finish my Early Childhood education program! Well if it had been only 10 years I could have started right where I left off but 11 years I have to start over! Oh well, thats a small price to pay to finally live out my dreams! I am doing it! My marks aren't where I think they should be as I know the information, I got A's the first time around, the information hasn't changed much and I have used my childcare knowledge throughout the 11 years, being a mom, working in the schools and various daycares. But I just don't have the time to sit and focus. 11 years ago I took the courses in the college which you get time in a class with a teacher, now I am doing it online at home in between my job and my 4 kids and getting supper and cleaning, and helping with homework and homeschooling my daughter. But I am doing it and passing and I will make it through!
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