Saturday, October 22, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
My journey to becomming Christian
By the time I went to school, religion was taken out almost completely and at home my parents said we had no religion. I was very curious as the little bit we did learn left me wanting to learn more. I would ask my parents questions and I usually got joke answers like if I wanted to be baptised I just had to jump head first into the saint Lawrence river. I kept bugging to know more and I kept getting crazy answers from my parents and very vague answers from the teachers because they weren't allowed to teach religion. One teacher told me to ask my parents what religion we were and what we believed because she couldn't teach me something that my parents were against, so she couldn't teach me about being catholic if my parents wanted me to be Protestant. I had absolutely no idea what any of it meant I just really wanted to learn about God and the angels and the love and forgiveness I had understood about in the very few stories I had heard. So I asked my parents... They told me that we believed in the devil. I went back and told my teacher thinking I would get answers having no idea about this devil or that my parents were just joking until I saw the look of pure horror on my teachers face. She had tears pouring down her face. I don't think she expected that answer nor do I think she believed it but she knew I was really serious about learning and my parents were either not taking it serious or really did worship the devil, both of which my teacher did not find amusing. She gave me a book of bible stories and made me promise not to let my parents see it. She was very stern to tell me that we are not supposed to have secrets from our parents but also believed if I wanted to learn about God I should be able to. I would hide in my room reading these stories. I didn't quite understand a lot of what I was reading but the pictures painted a picture in my head and that is what I took out if it and man I was horrified to find out what that devil was... and that my parents were on his side. I had to save them! I stared to imagine myself as an angel, saving my parents and then the world! I day dreamt so much that I started to believe I was an angel. I started to see signs from God that I was here to help him save the world as His special angel. My biggest sign was when I walked down the street the sun followed me! ME! How special was I if the sun would follow me, I knew I had to keep this a secret but I put it to the test. I had my cousins run down the street one way and I ran the other way and to my amazement the sun still followed me. Even though my cousins got o go to church on Sundays, I was special!
That didn't stop me from the constant battle of emotions I went through feeling like I was being pulled in either direction, but I had to fight it because I so badly wanted to keep my status as an angel. But could I really be in angel by lying to my parents or was that the devil in me? I read a story in my bible that said once you lie you keep lying and it was this nasty circle and that one brother just kept lying and he was a bad guy. That was my interpretation of the story since it was really hard to follow but the pictures really helped paint the picture for me. Anyway just as I was about to come clean my dad had been drinking and asked me not to tell my mom. More lies, just like the story said. I told him no I could not lie anymore. He told me that if I told my mom she would yell at him and he would have to move out and it would be all my fault since I told her, or she wouldn't believe me and think I was a liar and make me move out since no one loves liars. Those were my choices, I could be a liar, or tell on my dad and not have him live with us anymore, or have my mom think I was a liar... I couldn't decide. I cried, I told God that I understood if he had to take away my angel status that I would understand because I had to lie, I just had to, I didn't want to hear the fighting, I didn't want to lose my dad. I was so sorry for being so selfish and begged God that even if he had to take away my angel status not to let the devil have me!
I often found myself in those struggles, God wanted me to help people but by helping people I was lying. I never really knew that I was making the right choices but I knew they were for the right reasons. I knew I had to help my dad clean up all of the beer bottles so that my mom didn't find out he was drinking because the times I didn't help there was big fights, often times when my dad had to leave for a while or me and my mom left and stayed with other people. The fights were so hard to handle, often times the yelling was painful enough, lots of mean, hurtful things were said and often times it turned physical. Like one night when my mom was yelling at my dad and he got upset and went to get up but he like threw his hands up and his hand hit a steak knife and the knife came across the table and hit me in the hand. Well my mom jumped up and attacked my dad. He felt so bad that I had gotten hurt and was trying to get to me to comfort me and apologise but my mom kept pounding him. My dad pushed her off to get to me but by then the police were at our house taking him away. I was yelling it was an accident but no one listened. My mom and I went to pick my dad up from jail a few days later.
My aunt let me come with her and my cousins to their church. I really liked going but the priest was talking about baptism and if you are not baptised you will go to hell and only those who were baptised would go to heaven. He explained the differences and I definitely wanted to go to heaven! I started having these horrible nightmares about hell. My parents would not baptise me and they were on the devils side and maybe after all of this time I was too. All of the lying I had done and all of the mean thoughts I had about my mom when she would yell at my dad. I just kept begging God to save me from the devil and from hell.
All of this time religion was a big secret, was not something I could talk about and I especially did not want anyone to know I was an angel or at least hoping that I still was. I knew for certain my cousins would not believe me as they knew that I was not baptised. I certainly could not tell my parents. I really wanted some reassurance that I was not going to hell. I was so scared, I really tried hard to do the right thing but always felt the pressure because I always had to lie for my parents. My mom would go out in the evening but I had to promise her that I wouldn't tell my dad and if I did she would send me to foster care and wouldn't I rather be with her and my dad who loved me rather than some foster home where no one cared about me. My dad used guilt as a way to control my actions and my mom used love. I was really scared about going to hell. I mean the priest from the church said it almost every time I got to go, was he talking to me? Did he know? Did he know my parents were on the devils side? Did he know I didn't want to be on that side? I felt haunted, like no matter how good I was and no matter how hard I was trying, I was going to hell because my parents wouldn't baptise me, and also I could never be a full angel until I could stop lying but my parents were always making me lie. I had no hope.
As I grew up I had not learned much else about church or the bible. I still had that feeling inside that I was special but I tried to ignore it since the fear of hell and the devil just hurt too much and being pulled on both sides was just so confusing and was causing me to fell hate towards my parents and it was just this big circle So I just hid it, even from myself!
My life changed drastically. My parents told me they were getting a divorce. I though, after all I had done to help save their marriage, they were going to break up anyways. I gave up my dream of being an angel for this marriage to work and I had failed anyways! I was turning 15 in just 2 weeks and now my birthday was going to be ruined. I had to pick whose house I wanted to go to for my birthday and as each of them sat there fighting over me I was so mad at both of them. My dad was in tears. He did not want to leave. He didn't understand why she was throwing him out. He kept asking me to help him make her stay and kept telling me that I was not trying hard enough. My mom kept telling me that if I had helped out more maybe she wouldn't of been as stressed and they could of worked on things. It all came down to me! Well it had been years since I had talked to God but that night I was once again asking him what to do? Asking Him to help me not to hurt so much! Apologising to Him for wasting all of my life trying to help them. Telling God that I could no longer be an angel because how could I help the world when I can not even help my own parents. I let everyone down! I was nothing anymore. I had stopped thinking about being an angel but it was still inside of me, until that night. I let it go for real! I no longer believed in anything except that I was no good! I stopped eating. I started cutting myself. My arms, my legs, my back anywhere I could with anything that was sharp.
One night after a fight with my mom, I ran away to my dad's house. He answered the door he was so drunk he could barely walk or talk, a sight I was much to familiar with, He asked what I wanted, I asked if I could stay with him. He said, I am not your dad and closed the door. I was just about to turn 16. I cried all the way home and confronted my mom. She said it was true and that she had told me and that I had always known and not to be so dramatic. I needed comfort. I was more confused than I had ever been!
My mom asked if I wanted to contact my real dad. I told her not yet, I was not ready, I just lost one dad I was not ready to lose another. She said ok and that night when I got home she handed me the phone and it was him. She contacted him anyways. We had a nice conversation, he had a wife and 3 sons. I had brothers. We kept in contact through phone calls and letters. He lived in a different province.
I met Bryan. I fell in love. He was really helping me get through the crazy times in my life. I had a hard time letting him in as I was so afraid he'd get to know me and not want to be near me like my parents, I mean the two people in the world who knew me best wanted nothing to do with me, how could he?
Things for me got worse and worse. My mom ended up leaving and moving away. I had no where to go. I had graduated high school, got into the college I had dreamt about going to and could not go. I had no one to sign the loans for me. My dad couldn't, my mom was gone. Once again my dreams were crushed! I was so upset and disappointed!
My real dad offered me to move there and he would help me be able to go to college. That was my only chance of having a family and going to college but I did not want to leave Bryan or my friends. They were all that I had and to have to chose between the life I knew and one I didn't was so scary. I thought maybe this was a sign from God, maybe he was giving me a chance to have the family I deserved! Maybe I would be loved unconditionally. Maybe it would be worse. Maybe I was supposed to stay. I had to find out, so I went. It was so hard to say goodbye. My dad, my friends and Bryan that I was leaving was so heart broken, yet the dad and step mom and brothers I was going to were so happy!
It was not the life I had hoped for. This time I did not challenge my beliefs for God but God Himself. I thought of all I had been through why would He want me to endure more. He must hate me! Of course he did, anyone who really knew me hated me. Maybe all those lies I had told maybe it was because I was not baptised,, he was just having his revenge.
I lived my life, often wondering if I had made the right choices.
I had made a lot of mistakes during my journey.
I met some people who invited me to come to a dinner with them. I went not knowing it was a church. I might not have gone if I had known, but I went and had the most wonderful time! The people were so nice and the few things I had told them, they did not judge me at all.
I started going to this church and found it so nice. My first service that I had went to the paster was talking about how they do not believe that being baptised saves you but that being a good person does and that God loves everyone, it was like he knew what I needed to hear and was talking directly to me. I really felt it. He had gone on to say that God only gives you what you can handle but that you have to life some of it up to him and not blame him for the wrongs but thank him for the rights and really just everything I needed to hear! I now know that I am here to help people! All people! But I can only help those willing to be helped. I also realised how much worse things could have been if God wasn't looking out for me. I love myself now and know that I am special and loved, I have a beautiful family which I am thankful for everyday! I got my wings back!
That didn't stop me from the constant battle of emotions I went through feeling like I was being pulled in either direction, but I had to fight it because I so badly wanted to keep my status as an angel. But could I really be in angel by lying to my parents or was that the devil in me? I read a story in my bible that said once you lie you keep lying and it was this nasty circle and that one brother just kept lying and he was a bad guy. That was my interpretation of the story since it was really hard to follow but the pictures really helped paint the picture for me. Anyway just as I was about to come clean my dad had been drinking and asked me not to tell my mom. More lies, just like the story said. I told him no I could not lie anymore. He told me that if I told my mom she would yell at him and he would have to move out and it would be all my fault since I told her, or she wouldn't believe me and think I was a liar and make me move out since no one loves liars. Those were my choices, I could be a liar, or tell on my dad and not have him live with us anymore, or have my mom think I was a liar... I couldn't decide. I cried, I told God that I understood if he had to take away my angel status that I would understand because I had to lie, I just had to, I didn't want to hear the fighting, I didn't want to lose my dad. I was so sorry for being so selfish and begged God that even if he had to take away my angel status not to let the devil have me!
I often found myself in those struggles, God wanted me to help people but by helping people I was lying. I never really knew that I was making the right choices but I knew they were for the right reasons. I knew I had to help my dad clean up all of the beer bottles so that my mom didn't find out he was drinking because the times I didn't help there was big fights, often times when my dad had to leave for a while or me and my mom left and stayed with other people. The fights were so hard to handle, often times the yelling was painful enough, lots of mean, hurtful things were said and often times it turned physical. Like one night when my mom was yelling at my dad and he got upset and went to get up but he like threw his hands up and his hand hit a steak knife and the knife came across the table and hit me in the hand. Well my mom jumped up and attacked my dad. He felt so bad that I had gotten hurt and was trying to get to me to comfort me and apologise but my mom kept pounding him. My dad pushed her off to get to me but by then the police were at our house taking him away. I was yelling it was an accident but no one listened. My mom and I went to pick my dad up from jail a few days later.
My aunt let me come with her and my cousins to their church. I really liked going but the priest was talking about baptism and if you are not baptised you will go to hell and only those who were baptised would go to heaven. He explained the differences and I definitely wanted to go to heaven! I started having these horrible nightmares about hell. My parents would not baptise me and they were on the devils side and maybe after all of this time I was too. All of the lying I had done and all of the mean thoughts I had about my mom when she would yell at my dad. I just kept begging God to save me from the devil and from hell.
All of this time religion was a big secret, was not something I could talk about and I especially did not want anyone to know I was an angel or at least hoping that I still was. I knew for certain my cousins would not believe me as they knew that I was not baptised. I certainly could not tell my parents. I really wanted some reassurance that I was not going to hell. I was so scared, I really tried hard to do the right thing but always felt the pressure because I always had to lie for my parents. My mom would go out in the evening but I had to promise her that I wouldn't tell my dad and if I did she would send me to foster care and wouldn't I rather be with her and my dad who loved me rather than some foster home where no one cared about me. My dad used guilt as a way to control my actions and my mom used love. I was really scared about going to hell. I mean the priest from the church said it almost every time I got to go, was he talking to me? Did he know? Did he know my parents were on the devils side? Did he know I didn't want to be on that side? I felt haunted, like no matter how good I was and no matter how hard I was trying, I was going to hell because my parents wouldn't baptise me, and also I could never be a full angel until I could stop lying but my parents were always making me lie. I had no hope.
As I grew up I had not learned much else about church or the bible. I still had that feeling inside that I was special but I tried to ignore it since the fear of hell and the devil just hurt too much and being pulled on both sides was just so confusing and was causing me to fell hate towards my parents and it was just this big circle So I just hid it, even from myself!
My life changed drastically. My parents told me they were getting a divorce. I though, after all I had done to help save their marriage, they were going to break up anyways. I gave up my dream of being an angel for this marriage to work and I had failed anyways! I was turning 15 in just 2 weeks and now my birthday was going to be ruined. I had to pick whose house I wanted to go to for my birthday and as each of them sat there fighting over me I was so mad at both of them. My dad was in tears. He did not want to leave. He didn't understand why she was throwing him out. He kept asking me to help him make her stay and kept telling me that I was not trying hard enough. My mom kept telling me that if I had helped out more maybe she wouldn't of been as stressed and they could of worked on things. It all came down to me! Well it had been years since I had talked to God but that night I was once again asking him what to do? Asking Him to help me not to hurt so much! Apologising to Him for wasting all of my life trying to help them. Telling God that I could no longer be an angel because how could I help the world when I can not even help my own parents. I let everyone down! I was nothing anymore. I had stopped thinking about being an angel but it was still inside of me, until that night. I let it go for real! I no longer believed in anything except that I was no good! I stopped eating. I started cutting myself. My arms, my legs, my back anywhere I could with anything that was sharp.
One night after a fight with my mom, I ran away to my dad's house. He answered the door he was so drunk he could barely walk or talk, a sight I was much to familiar with, He asked what I wanted, I asked if I could stay with him. He said, I am not your dad and closed the door. I was just about to turn 16. I cried all the way home and confronted my mom. She said it was true and that she had told me and that I had always known and not to be so dramatic. I needed comfort. I was more confused than I had ever been!
My mom asked if I wanted to contact my real dad. I told her not yet, I was not ready, I just lost one dad I was not ready to lose another. She said ok and that night when I got home she handed me the phone and it was him. She contacted him anyways. We had a nice conversation, he had a wife and 3 sons. I had brothers. We kept in contact through phone calls and letters. He lived in a different province.
I met Bryan. I fell in love. He was really helping me get through the crazy times in my life. I had a hard time letting him in as I was so afraid he'd get to know me and not want to be near me like my parents, I mean the two people in the world who knew me best wanted nothing to do with me, how could he?
Things for me got worse and worse. My mom ended up leaving and moving away. I had no where to go. I had graduated high school, got into the college I had dreamt about going to and could not go. I had no one to sign the loans for me. My dad couldn't, my mom was gone. Once again my dreams were crushed! I was so upset and disappointed!
My real dad offered me to move there and he would help me be able to go to college. That was my only chance of having a family and going to college but I did not want to leave Bryan or my friends. They were all that I had and to have to chose between the life I knew and one I didn't was so scary. I thought maybe this was a sign from God, maybe he was giving me a chance to have the family I deserved! Maybe I would be loved unconditionally. Maybe it would be worse. Maybe I was supposed to stay. I had to find out, so I went. It was so hard to say goodbye. My dad, my friends and Bryan that I was leaving was so heart broken, yet the dad and step mom and brothers I was going to were so happy!
It was not the life I had hoped for. This time I did not challenge my beliefs for God but God Himself. I thought of all I had been through why would He want me to endure more. He must hate me! Of course he did, anyone who really knew me hated me. Maybe all those lies I had told maybe it was because I was not baptised,, he was just having his revenge.
I lived my life, often wondering if I had made the right choices.
I had made a lot of mistakes during my journey.
I met some people who invited me to come to a dinner with them. I went not knowing it was a church. I might not have gone if I had known, but I went and had the most wonderful time! The people were so nice and the few things I had told them, they did not judge me at all.
I started going to this church and found it so nice. My first service that I had went to the paster was talking about how they do not believe that being baptised saves you but that being a good person does and that God loves everyone, it was like he knew what I needed to hear and was talking directly to me. I really felt it. He had gone on to say that God only gives you what you can handle but that you have to life some of it up to him and not blame him for the wrongs but thank him for the rights and really just everything I needed to hear! I now know that I am here to help people! All people! But I can only help those willing to be helped. I also realised how much worse things could have been if God wasn't looking out for me. I love myself now and know that I am special and loved, I have a beautiful family which I am thankful for everyday! I got my wings back!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Miranda
For this birthday that I am going to miss
I send all of my love and a great big kiss
There was a time I thought I'd never miss a thing you did
And now you've grown up so fast and I've missed it
I am so sorry for the things you've been through
I wish I could have been better at protecting you
Never forget that you are such a special girl
And to me you mean the world
I hate that I am going to miss another birthday
I will make it up to you I'll find a way
I miss you so much my dear
I think about you all year
There's not a day that goes by that I don't regret leeting go of you
But it wasn't up to me there wasn't much more I could do
My girl I hope you always see
How very much you mean to me
You're no longer a little girl but a young lady
Miranda I miss you like crazy
I send all of my love and a great big kiss
There was a time I thought I'd never miss a thing you did
And now you've grown up so fast and I've missed it
I am so sorry for the things you've been through
I wish I could have been better at protecting you
Never forget that you are such a special girl
And to me you mean the world
I hate that I am going to miss another birthday
I will make it up to you I'll find a way
I miss you so much my dear
I think about you all year
There's not a day that goes by that I don't regret leeting go of you
But it wasn't up to me there wasn't much more I could do
My girl I hope you always see
How very much you mean to me
You're no longer a little girl but a young lady
Miranda I miss you like crazy
For my Brothers
To Josh conor and Dev
I am sorry for the way that I left
When I came out there, i had no place else to go
I was happy to have you to get to know
I was a lost little girl
Who had just lost her entire world
My whole life was a lie I needed to have something real
A familly to love me to help me heal
I was trying to get through life with a smile
But it got too hard after just a short while
I was happy to be a family with you
but so badly missed my family and friends and life that I knew
No matter where I am I'll be your sister forever
And the times that we had I will always treasure
I had specail times with all of you each
But my favorites are from Victoria beach
I am happy that I came back to my life
But loosing contact with you wasnt right
I am sorry for any hurt caused by me
I hope you accept my appology
I see by your pictures on facebook and msn
That you are growing into men
I miss you guys so much and hope you know it
Even if I have not been around to show it
I had to come home but should of stayed in touch
I hope you know that I love you so much
The time that we had meant so much to me
I was just hurting and couldnt enjoy it fully
I wish that we hadnt drifted apart
But know that your each held close in my heart
I am sorry for the way that I left
When I came out there, i had no place else to go
I was happy to have you to get to know
I was a lost little girl
Who had just lost her entire world
My whole life was a lie I needed to have something real
A familly to love me to help me heal
I was trying to get through life with a smile
But it got too hard after just a short while
I was happy to be a family with you
but so badly missed my family and friends and life that I knew
No matter where I am I'll be your sister forever
And the times that we had I will always treasure
I had specail times with all of you each
But my favorites are from Victoria beach
I am happy that I came back to my life
But loosing contact with you wasnt right
I am sorry for any hurt caused by me
I hope you accept my appology
I see by your pictures on facebook and msn
That you are growing into men
I miss you guys so much and hope you know it
Even if I have not been around to show it
I had to come home but should of stayed in touch
I hope you know that I love you so much
The time that we had meant so much to me
I was just hurting and couldnt enjoy it fully
I wish that we hadnt drifted apart
But know that your each held close in my heart
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